To search or not to search?

That is the question. Of course, that would make one wonder "search for what?"

'Search' is a retreat at my school. I can't really tell you more than that because I don't know much more. It has some spiritual stuff in it. I'm not into that so much, but it doesn't bother me either.

What I can't decide is whether or not I should go.

It sounds nice and all, and a week ago I was thinking about going. Just a few days ago I said I would go on spring Search. But then today, when my friend was trying to hide something about Search from me (she's already gone, and is working crew on the next one and wants me to go) I simply told her that I was never going. I don't know where it came from. I just decided right then and there that I was not going.

 So, we ended up discussing why I didn't want to go (while I was writing my paper) and I told her that I just didn't see why I should go. And why should I? I would be alone, even if she were working crew, and I would feel awkward. I don't do alone and awkward very well.

And then, she made it harder. She told me that she wanted to be my "Charlie" (I think that's the word). Apparently it's a major part of Search. And important, personal-ish part. And I feel so bad because she was trying to plan things so that she could do this for me, and here I am saying I won't go.

What to do, what to do, what to do? I don't want to hurt her, but I'm terrified of going on search. And now it's making me upset.

So, to search or not to search? I suppose I will indeed have to sleep on it and decide later.