This feeling's getting stronger...

"Take my breath away
Now I'm trying to get up
I'm trying to retrace
My steps back
To where ever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up"

Those particular lyrics are from "Is Forever Enough" by Hawk Nelson. I felt they were appropriate considering what I am about to talk about. I don't know why I'm about to talk about it. I have to hope that no one I know really considers this seriously or I could be in a lot of trouble.

Have you ever liked being around someone so much that it's like they're a drug your addicted to? I've had the feeling a lot of times before, especially with friends. That was really because, years ago, I began to rely on my friends to keep me from becoming too depressed. While I haven't been diagnosed, I am pretty sure that I have a mild form of clinical depression. Coupled with a difficult and often depressing life, it makes things tough. But when I'm with my friends I'm happier, and because of that I have had friends act as a sort of drug. Getting addicted to them sounds odd, but it's happened, and I know it's happened for other people too. However, it can also get dangerous. For me, I offended my family by choosing friends first, and in the end I even lost a friend.

Last year I was pretty depressed. I lost a good friend because of that. But I gained a good one too. If I hadn't lost a roommate, and after that a friend, then I doubt that I would have grown as close to my new friend as I did. I didn't recognize it last year, but I had grown to rely on her. And then, when school ended in May, I saw her only twice throughout the whole summer. I missed her. A lot. She did so much for me, and I felt that I owed her so much. I wanted to see her more.

Do I sound like a stalker yet? Haha.

Anyways, when I finally got to see her again this year, we started to spend a lot of time together. With the exception of classes, work, and meetings, we spend quite a lot of our time together. Of course, there are days when she studies with someone else and there are days when I hang out with other friends. But the majority of our time is spent in each others' presence. 

Well, the last few weeks I've noticed something different from previous relationships. I have an extremely deep attachment to her. When she isn't with me, I'm down or distressed. When she is going to go somewhere without me I get moody. I'm highly protective of her. If something upsets her, I am upset. If something makes her happy, I am happy. Of course, I'm not so emotionally attached that I don't feel my own emotions. I have my own turmoils and my own happy times. And other people have effects on me too. In fact, it's not unusual for me to want to protect my friends. I am just more protective of her than others.

I don't know what to call the feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I have feelings for her. But that would be strange, considering the way I think and the way I view other girls. In all reality, while the majority of my friends are girls, I don't trust them. I've seen girls with mood swings far too often to want to fall in love with one. It especially annoys me when they use PMSing as an excuse for bad attitudes, rude behavior, and fights. I would never use that as an excuse, even if it does have an effect on me. Because, no matter what, you are the one who decides how you will behave.

So, yes. Sometimes I wonder if I have a "crush" on my best friend. It's creepy for me. It's strange. And I will honestly say that I still prefer guys to her (there's actually a bet going around on which guy I'm going to marry). I would never consider being in a relationship with her. It wouldn't work. It certainly doesn't help that our religion and family gets in the way. But my feelings aren't deep enough to consider anything like that.

Another possible explanation for the way I feel - especially the protectiveness - is that it's more of a motherly feeling. And that's entirely possible. I get overly protective and overly worrisome at times, much as a mother might. At this point, I'm leaning towards that feeling, as the other feeling doesn't seem like it fits the situation just right.

Ah! I don't know what to think, really. I just want to be her friend. I want her to be happy and I want her to be safe. There's nothing wrong with that...right?