This feeling's getting stronger...

"Take my breath away
Now I'm trying to get up
I'm trying to retrace
My steps back
To where ever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up"

Those particular lyrics are from "Is Forever Enough" by Hawk Nelson. I felt they were appropriate considering what I am about to talk about. I don't know why I'm about to talk about it. I have to hope that no one I know really considers this seriously or I could be in a lot of trouble.

Have you ever liked being around someone so much that it's like they're a drug your addicted to? I've had the feeling a lot of times before, especially with friends. That was really because, years ago, I began to rely on my friends to keep me from becoming too depressed. While I haven't been diagnosed, I am pretty sure that I have a mild form of clinical depression. Coupled with a difficult and often depressing life, it makes things tough. But when I'm with my friends I'm happier, and because of that I have had friends act as a sort of drug. Getting addicted to them sounds odd, but it's happened, and I know it's happened for other people too. However, it can also get dangerous. For me, I offended my family by choosing friends first, and in the end I even lost a friend.

Last year I was pretty depressed. I lost a good friend because of that. But I gained a good one too. If I hadn't lost a roommate, and after that a friend, then I doubt that I would have grown as close to my new friend as I did. I didn't recognize it last year, but I had grown to rely on her. And then, when school ended in May, I saw her only twice throughout the whole summer. I missed her. A lot. She did so much for me, and I felt that I owed her so much. I wanted to see her more.

Do I sound like a stalker yet? Haha.

Anyways, when I finally got to see her again this year, we started to spend a lot of time together. With the exception of classes, work, and meetings, we spend quite a lot of our time together. Of course, there are days when she studies with someone else and there are days when I hang out with other friends. But the majority of our time is spent in each others' presence. 

Well, the last few weeks I've noticed something different from previous relationships. I have an extremely deep attachment to her. When she isn't with me, I'm down or distressed. When she is going to go somewhere without me I get moody. I'm highly protective of her. If something upsets her, I am upset. If something makes her happy, I am happy. Of course, I'm not so emotionally attached that I don't feel my own emotions. I have my own turmoils and my own happy times. And other people have effects on me too. In fact, it's not unusual for me to want to protect my friends. I am just more protective of her than others.

I don't know what to call the feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I have feelings for her. But that would be strange, considering the way I think and the way I view other girls. In all reality, while the majority of my friends are girls, I don't trust them. I've seen girls with mood swings far too often to want to fall in love with one. It especially annoys me when they use PMSing as an excuse for bad attitudes, rude behavior, and fights. I would never use that as an excuse, even if it does have an effect on me. Because, no matter what, you are the one who decides how you will behave.

So, yes. Sometimes I wonder if I have a "crush" on my best friend. It's creepy for me. It's strange. And I will honestly say that I still prefer guys to her (there's actually a bet going around on which guy I'm going to marry). I would never consider being in a relationship with her. It wouldn't work. It certainly doesn't help that our religion and family gets in the way. But my feelings aren't deep enough to consider anything like that.

Another possible explanation for the way I feel - especially the protectiveness - is that it's more of a motherly feeling. And that's entirely possible. I get overly protective and overly worrisome at times, much as a mother might. At this point, I'm leaning towards that feeling, as the other feeling doesn't seem like it fits the situation just right.

Ah! I don't know what to think, really. I just want to be her friend. I want her to be happy and I want her to be safe. There's nothing wrong with that...right?

Crocheting and happy times.

Have you ever had one of those friends that manages to make every moment awkward or hilarious in some way?

If you don't or you haven't, then you're missing out on a lot of good laughs and fun times. I happen to have one right now, and she's probably the only reason I'm still going to this school (or she was at one point). She's amazing, plain and simple, and she makes my life happier.

Last night we were watching the animated movie Quest for Camelot. The storyline is basic. Excalibur, King Aurthur's sword, is stolen, and the man who stole it takes a girl and her mother hostage so that he can use them to get into Camelot. However, the girl escapes and is instructed by her mother to go to Camelot to warn the king. Rather than do that, the girl goes into the Forbidden Forest, where the sword that was stolen has been lost. There, she finds a blind hermit who saves her life. They travel together to find the sword along with a two-headed dragon and a Falcon. Together they save Camelot and everyone lives happily ever after.

Well, the girl falls in love with the blind hermit and they get knighted together (not married, knighted - no marriage in this movie, though it looks like it). At the end of the movie they kiss. Well, of course, my friend has to mention the fact that, because the guy is blind, it would have been hilarious if he had missed when he had gone to kiss her. And, of course, that train of thought led us to something less appropriate and more awkward than kissing.

Basically, she finds it funny to imagine how their marriage night/honeymoon would go since the guy is blind and can't see what he was doing. It would be funny enough if he missed her mouth while kissing, but what if he missed while doing other things...

Enough said. So, yes. We were watching a good animated movie (one of my favorites) and she managed to turn the ending into something completely hilarious. I am pretty sure our laughter was very loud and very distracting for my roommate, who was studying at the time.

In the meantime, this morning I began to look for a pattern that I can use to crochet a blanket for my friend, who is having a baby boy in January (I'm to be the godmother!). I will have a lot of fun making it, but picking a pattern and the colors to go with it is painful.

And that is what I spend my life doing, haha. Isn't it exciting?

To search or not to search?

That is the question. Of course, that would make one wonder "search for what?"

'Search' is a retreat at my school. I can't really tell you more than that because I don't know much more. It has some spiritual stuff in it. I'm not into that so much, but it doesn't bother me either.

What I can't decide is whether or not I should go.

It sounds nice and all, and a week ago I was thinking about going. Just a few days ago I said I would go on spring Search. But then today, when my friend was trying to hide something about Search from me (she's already gone, and is working crew on the next one and wants me to go) I simply told her that I was never going. I don't know where it came from. I just decided right then and there that I was not going.

 So, we ended up discussing why I didn't want to go (while I was writing my paper) and I told her that I just didn't see why I should go. And why should I? I would be alone, even if she were working crew, and I would feel awkward. I don't do alone and awkward very well.

And then, she made it harder. She told me that she wanted to be my "Charlie" (I think that's the word). Apparently it's a major part of Search. And important, personal-ish part. And I feel so bad because she was trying to plan things so that she could do this for me, and here I am saying I won't go.

What to do, what to do, what to do? I don't want to hurt her, but I'm terrified of going on search. And now it's making me upset.

So, to search or not to search? I suppose I will indeed have to sleep on it and decide later.