Searching? Searching for what?

"It's just another war

Just another family torn

Just a step from the edge

Just another day in the world we live"

-"Hero" by Skillet

I'm going to be starting some of my posts, or maybe all of them, with some quote from some song or another. Today's happens to be from the song that I used for the theme and name of this very blog. I like Skillet, by the way. That's very important to know. What for, I'm not sure, but it is!

You might notice that the title of this blog has something to do with my second post about an event called "Search." That is no coincidence. I made a decision that I had no made when I had originally posted that.

You see, I have been very temperamental lately, and because of that I had suddenly become very adamant against Search. Well, today I changed my mind. Without telling anyone, I asked for a scholarship to go on Search and I signed up. It was exciting.

Of course, I am not guaranteed a spot on Search. I am on a waiting list. But if I don't get to go this time, I will get to go for sure next time. That's just my fault for waiting so long to decide I wanted to apply.

In the meantime, my phone is broken and I am desperately waiting for fall break so that I can see about getting a new one. If I do not get a new one, then my friend has offered to let me use an old one of hers that still works until I can get a new one. But either way I have to wait for fall break.

I am also crocheting a baby blanket for my godchild. It is two shades of blue and also white. I'm exciting and, while we are sitting here and watching Pride and Prejudice (one of my favorite movies) I am going to start. So, I bid you all adieu.

To search or not to search?

That is the question. Of course, that would make one wonder "search for what?"

'Search' is a retreat at my school. I can't really tell you more than that because I don't know much more. It has some spiritual stuff in it. I'm not into that so much, but it doesn't bother me either.

What I can't decide is whether or not I should go.

It sounds nice and all, and a week ago I was thinking about going. Just a few days ago I said I would go on spring Search. But then today, when my friend was trying to hide something about Search from me (she's already gone, and is working crew on the next one and wants me to go) I simply told her that I was never going. I don't know where it came from. I just decided right then and there that I was not going.

 So, we ended up discussing why I didn't want to go (while I was writing my paper) and I told her that I just didn't see why I should go. And why should I? I would be alone, even if she were working crew, and I would feel awkward. I don't do alone and awkward very well.

And then, she made it harder. She told me that she wanted to be my "Charlie" (I think that's the word). Apparently it's a major part of Search. And important, personal-ish part. And I feel so bad because she was trying to plan things so that she could do this for me, and here I am saying I won't go.

What to do, what to do, what to do? I don't want to hurt her, but I'm terrified of going on search. And now it's making me upset.

So, to search or not to search? I suppose I will indeed have to sleep on it and decide later.