Package Handler 101 - There is no such thing as getting sick

You might think that the title of this blog is a joke. It's not. When you work at FedEx, you can't be sick. If you are, you get punished. Because if you go in sick and need to be sent home, people get mad at you. If you call in sick, you get written up and won't be considered for any new positions for three months.

I have been sick for the last four days. I have gone in every goddamn day and worked my ass of for FedEx. Why? Because I want to be hired as full time at some point in the very near future. Each day I've gone in, getting progressively worse through each shift. Today I was coughing so much that I could barely lift boxes because of the pain in my sides.

FedEx does not give regular package handlers sick days. You can call in three times within a month. Each time you will get written up for it. On the fourth time you get fired. The end. That's it. So, if you can't make it in because of the weather, car troubles, etc. and then you get suddenly sick and have to miss three days, you get fired.

It makes sense, right? I mean, you shouldn't be missing work for anything that isn't serious. And if it is serious then you should go to a doctor. The problem is that even a little sniffle makes work at FedEx extremely more difficult and tiring than you would think. A sniffle at FedEx is like having bronchitis or pneumonia. The dust from trailers and vans that have traveled the road for years without being cleaned out, dirt spills (or sand, or cat litter), strange smells (why does that guy smell like rotten spaghetti?), and the physical activity are enough to turn a little sniffle into something a lot worse, and it makes it as difficult as hell to work. I started out with a sore throat. It turned into sinus issues and a bad cough. I could have used a day off.

So, a lot of people end up coming in sick (like me!). Guess what happens? The rest of the hub gets sick. If it's something like the stomach flu, one day it gets to the point where the hub has twenty call-ins because people are too busy puking their guts out to be able to even attempt to drive to work. And this all because FedEx is too stingy to give it's package handlers a few sick days here and there.

I'm fairly certain that the higher ups (a.k.a service managers, who run the separate areas) get sick days. Why? Because I can't remember seeing a sick one. Ever. They don't come in occasionally during the cold and flu season. Once in a while one of them might lose their voice for a short time. Ultimately, though, I have yet to have a sick manager.

My first summer with the company, I threw up. It was hot, things were running fast, and my stomach got very, very angry. I went to the bathroom, was there for a while, threw up everything, felt weak as hell, and went to my manager. When I told him that I had thrown up (which should have resulted in me being sent home, legally), I was promptly yelled at and then ignored. I worked until break time, at which point my manager came up to me and rudely said, "I can't make you stay so go home if you want to." Being new to the company, I wasn't sure what to do, so I stayed. Despite how shitty I felt that night, I kicked ass, and my manager admitted that he really appreciated my help.

I should have left. No one but him would have cared. The entire hub agrees that he is an asshole.

My point in all of this is that, as a package handler, you cannot get sick. It's against some unspoken rule. If you get sick and need time off, you will be punished. If you get sick and need to go home, your manager will whine and be rude to you. That's just how it works.

This time, I've been letting my performance slip as I get sicker, and I spread my germs as much as possible. Perhaps, if this continues, FedEx will rethink it's sick day policy.

It's worth a shot, right?

The Brain and the Heart

Have you ever been caught in one of those situations when your brain is telling you to do one thing while your heart is telling you to do another? I know I get caught in situations like that all of the time. Usually I do the stupid thing and follow my heart, because it seems to be my heart that makes me feel like something is right, instead of just making me weigh pros and cons and choose the logical option.

My heart is stupid. It gets me into trouble and throws me into situations that I'm just not ready to handle. I followed my heart when I chose my first college and that ended up turning into the most epic disaster in my life. If I had taken the time to really sit and think things through instead of doing what felt right maybe I wouldn't have ended up in that situation.

Right now I'm caught in one of those situations. I have to make a decision and my heart and my brain can't seem to agree with each other. I know that I should listen to my brain on this one, but my heart is speaking very strongly this time and I can't ignore what it has to say.

I've struggled with depression for several long years now. It's not an easy struggle, but I've been doing relatively well for the last several months, especially with the end of the unhealthy relationship that I was in. Now that I am single again, I realize that I will eventually have to deal with potential boyfriends again. My most recent romantic relationship was also my first, and I was disheartened by the ending, which was painful. This isn't the first relationship I've had end in a painful way, though it was my first romantic one, and because of past difficulties I've had a lot of trouble forming new relationships, trusting other people, and being willing to enter into any romantic relationships. I put my whole heart into this last one, giving myself over entirely to my partner, and that ended badly for me. I'm afraid to go through that pain again. The fear comes from the depression. I worry that if I continue to get hurt that I won't be able to continue fighting the depression and it will overwhelm me.

I also hate being alone. While many people will say it's perfectly fine that I didn't date until I was twenty, it is unusual. Most of my friends - even ones more quiet and shy than me - dated throughout high school. I honestly got to the point where I thought no one would ever ask me out or that I wasn't, for whatever reason, a date-able person. I resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life. Now that I have finally had a taste of what it's like to be in a relationship (the good parts, not the bad) I don't want to go back to thinking I'll be alone forever.

All of this plays into my current dilemma. When I was a junior in college, living in Montana, there was a guy at home - significantly older than me - who expressed feelings for me (that's putting it mildly). At the time I was working through some issues that I had with men - fears that were leftover from several experiences throughout the last 20 years of my life. His messages telling me how he felt upset me and stressed me out and I avoided talking to him as long as I could before I was finally able to deal with the situation and tell him that we couldn't be together. I decided this because I had been trying to recover from depression and find out if I had a personality disorder that would have been the cause of some of my behaviors and experiences. Not only that, but he had his own mental problems that had not been diagnosed yet.

We were a bad match. That's all there was to it at the time. It wasn't that I didn't like him. This man is a sweetheart. I knew that he cared about me. That alone would have made me happy. On top of that, I had feelings for him, too, even though I was trying my best to bury them. In that case, I let my brain win out over my heart because it was a time when I needed to focus on ME.

I am still friends with this man, even to this day. I still suffer from depression, and he suffers from his own mental illness and is even more handicapped by it than I am. His life has not been easy. I haven't even been able to piece together everything that he's been through, outside of what other people have told me and small hints that I pick up in my conversations with him. What I do know is that he still feels something for me. What that something is, I'm never too sure. I think he knows that I tend to shy away from him if he goes back to what he first said when I was still in college. I can see in his messages (we talk via messaging systems at the moment) that he changes the words around. For example, he uses phrases such as "i want to try see something in someone else that i don't get to see but may be once in a life time" and when I ask him what he means he gives me vague responses about friendship or love, but never really explains himself. The last time he mentioned wanting to be with me (he added in "despite our situations" when he mentioned it) I practically interrogated him, so it doesn't surprise me that he's careful in his own, strange ways.

Within the last few months there have been several times when he has asked me to come and hang out with him or get coffee with him. I want to say yes. My heart tells me that I should go. My brain says that it will encourage him to pursue me. The fact still stands that we are a bad match. Our mental illnesses would conflict. We would hurt each other without realizing it. On top of that, he's eight years older than me and, at the moment, can't live on his own. He gets money from the government each month. I want to have children, raise a family, have a home of my own. I need someone who can do that with me; someone who can support a family. I don't think he's capable of that. I don't even know if he's capable of maintaining a normal relationship. Things are different with him than they would be with another man. If my last dream weren't to have a family, then maybe it wouldn't matter so much. But at the age of twenty-two I'm at least ready to start looking for someone to settle down with.

That is what my brain is telling me. It makes sense, but I'm still torn between what my brain says and what my heart feels. Because when I think about this man I feel something. I want to reach out and take care of him. I want to be the friend that he needs. Maybe I want to be more than that. I know that going with my heart on this one would be a bad idea. The problem is that it's a lot easier to do what you feel is right than it is to do what you think is right. Feelings are powerful. Love, fear, hope, sadness...feelings are the basis of who we are. Our thoughts aren't any less important, but it's easier to push them aside.

Feelings are important. Always consider them. But don't forget to pay attention to your brain as well. Sometimes it has something just as important to say as your heart.