A story of trying to change jobs

This week I made an attempt to leave FedEx and start a career at the US Bank call center in my area. It seemed like a logical change. My body is broken, my pay was shit, and I was generally unhappy with the way things had gone at FedEx. At US Bank I would have been sitting in a chair all day (arguably just as bad for my back), my pay would have been better, and I would have had real opportunities for advancement. And yet, even with so many pros, I was terrified of switching to this new job. I thought perhaps it was my fear of telephones. Email and text are okay, but ask me to talk on a phone and I'll sprint in the other direction like my life depends on it. Obviously that makes willingly working at a call center a rather big decision for myself. Despite all of my fears and misgivings, I wanted to push forward and at least try.

For a little background information, I suffer from depression and anxiety. A lot of people don't see it right away or shrug it off like it's something everyone has these days. It's not like that. Depression and anxiety are serious disorders, both of which have led me to attempts to take my own life, along with other damaging behaviors. If I don't have those two troublemakers under control then the rest of my life starts to fall apart too. Some of you who have known me for a long time will know that I have made some difficult decisions in the past with seemingly little difficulty. When I was sixteen I chose to transfer from my little private school to the big public school in the area. I hid the stress well and I adapted. Most people did not know that I had a depression and anxiety disorder back then. I had known since high school, if not sooner, that something was there, eating away at me. I fought it and hid it from everyone as best as a could. Maybe some of you remember me being the quiet, reserved one at school.

Immediately after high school I chose to travel over six hundred miles away to college. For whatever reason that decision felt right, though I can't explain the feeling well, and all I really suffered from was the typical social anxiety and the nervousness from being away from home. But I handled it all really well at first. When things didn't go well with my first roommate I began to fall apart. That was when the dark cloud of depression - and it's friend, anxiety - really began to loom it's head over me. I barely made it through my first two years alive, but I came back to my third year feeling stronger after undergoing some treatment. Unfortunately, having a roommate that decides to confide in you that she has a date set for her own suicide does not help with your own mental problems and I completely shattered again. My roommates all turned against me, even though some where close friends. I was hurt more than I care to explain or remember now. I made the decision to leave that school and come home halfway through the year.

I would like to note that I have some wonderful friends left over from college and I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything. I love them all. But I lost a lot in school, and I've found that I'm afraid of losing people I care about. That made leaving FedEx especially hard.

I made the decision to leave college very easily. It was a decision made out of desperation. I knew that if I stayed in Montana then I would most likely wasn't going to make it past my twenty-first birthday. So I left; escaped, so to speak. I knew it was the right decision. Once home I looked for employment, and when I found FedEx through a member of my church it felt right somehow, as if I knew that I would find a place to fit in there. So I made yet another big decision and began my employment with FedEx. I wasn't afraid, only a little nervous.

In all those decisions I did not doubt that it was the right one. My anxiety was under control. I felt like I was somewhat normal for once. I was still recovering from what happened in Montana, but I was starting to live again. I met my first boyfriend and fell in love for the first time. I had my heart broken and nearly lost control before I pulled myself out of a downward spiral. All this time I did everything I could to keep my anxiety in check. I survived.

When I stop taking my medication bad things happen. Every once in a while a prescription is late or there's an error of some kind. Most recently I was simply too tired to get up early before work and go get the prescriptions. That happens with depression sometimes. So we decided to switch to a twenty-four hour pharmacy where I could get my meds after work. But the transfer didn't appear to go through on two separate occasions and I ran out of meds. I started to lose it. I was nervous, my heart was racing, and I wanted to sleep all of the time. It was right at this time that I had to decide whether or not I wanted a new job at US Bank.

I wasn't sure about it from the start. I knew that it was a great opportunity, but I hesitated. I finally took it because I knew that it would be good for both me and my fiance and, hey, you never know until you try, right? Once I accepted the job and went through the steps to fill out paperwork and get verified I though I would feel a little better, but the anxious feelings about the job continued. It didn't feel right for whatever reason, but I knew I had to give it a try. I told myself I had no choice because it had worked for other major decisions I had made. I hate to quit something once I've gotten involved.

The Saturday before I started I had to go to an emergency dental appointment. I found out that there was a cavity beneath an old filling that had gotten worse. I needed a root canal. I had some pretty bad experiences with dentists as a kid and I have a deep-rooted fear of people who want to stick their hands in peoples' mouths for a living. I also lack enamel on some teeth, most likely due to antibiotics and other things I was given after I was born. I was lucky to survive birth, in some ways. So a root canal was suddenly the most terrifying, anxiety-inducing thing on earth. That coupled with starting a new job and I turned into a train wreck. It didn't help that I could see it all wearing on my fiance, which distressed me that much more. I hated knowing that I was the one hurting him in a way.

I went to the first day of training, trying to control the pain in my tooth with ibuprofen at regular intervals. That might have worked if it hadn't been turning into a migraine at the same time and causing me to constantly feel like I had to vomit. By the second day I knew I needed the pain pills to be able to function, but I can't drive on hydrocodone. I can't stay awake, either, it turns out. I informed my managers at US Bank what my situation was and that I was already missing Wednesday for the root canal. I ended up missing the second and third days of training. I was so far behind that they were going to have to struggle to catch me up. On top of that, Thursday morning I was disorganized and exhausted, though the pain was gone and I could function. I left my social security card at home, which they needed that day, and in order for me to continue working there I had to go get it immediately and bring it back. I was so tired and so lost that I decided that I was not ready to take the new job.

I flat out told them that all of this disorganization was not like me and that I was exhausted and stressed about the issues with my tooth, which still require three more dentist appointments. I wasn't ready to start a new job, even though I had been less than a week before. They were very polite, even though I was barely holding in the tears, and told me that I would be welcome back if I ever chose to reapply in the future. I have no hard feelings against US Bank. It seemed like a nice place and perhaps I will return one day to try again.

The majority of my friends and family have been there for me through this. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for their help and support. I couldn't do it without them. I hate feeling like I failed. Even though I know this isn't failure my disorders trick me into thinking that it is, just as they trick me into thinking that I am worthless, fat, or pathetic on other days. Every single day is a new battle in a war that I hope I will win someday, even if that day is seventy years from now. What I do know is that choosing to leave US Bank behind for the time being has lifted a weight off of my shoulders. I don't feel that it was wrong of me to decide that I needed to focus on my physical and mental health before starting a new job. Some people might be frustrated with me or angry at me. But I know that the people who really care about me are here for me.

Sometimes one door closes so another one can open. I hope that I manage to find the right door this time.

Loyalty is a thing earned.

About a year ago a friend asked me if I considered him loyal. He and I were not close friends. I knew him through my boyfriend at the time and had started giving him rides to work after he crashed his scooter on the way home one night. This guy was very intelligent and extremely cocky. He also lacked an understanding of social boundaries. That doesn't really play much into whether or not I thought he was loyal, but his cockiness made me dislike him quite a bit. Because of that, I wasn't able to give him an answer (he then proceeded to list the people he thought were loyal and why he thought he was loyal).

I explained to him that I didn't know him well enough to be able to give him an answer at the time. The conversation opened up a chain of thoughts that I meditated on for the next day or so, the main focus of which was "What is loyalty to me?"

A year before that conversation I had escaped a bad situation that I had been stuck in for several years. During and after my escape I lost, solidified, and found friendships. I was forced to look at the qualities of the friends that I had, and during the time the subject of loyalty had come up in my mind more than once. There were some friends that I was completely loyal to, but I wasn't sure that I was receiving the same in return. This was especially true in my last two weeks there, when a friend went behind my back and decided not to travel with me, which meant I had to come up with the extra money she promised me in gas on very short notice. It opened my eyes to how important I was to her and how misplaced my loyalty and my love was.

The definition of loyalty is "faithfulness to commitments or obligations." When it comes to being loyal to a friend it's hardly an obligation. It's a choice. It is the word "faithfulness" that stands out in that definition. Faithfulness means "steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant." This is the most important quality of loyalty in terms of friendship. It means loving and supporting a friend as much as you can.

I believe that it's important to look for good, close friends that are going to be loyal to you. Of course, not every friend is going to be loyal. Everyone is closer to some friends than others. I don't expect my work friends to be loyal, but I do expect my closest friends to be. It's also important to be loyal to the friends that you expect loyalty from. Treat others the way that you would want to be treated.

I view loyalty and friendship a bit like a knight swearing fealty to a lord or king. Suppose that you are a knight in a realm where several different lords are vying to become the next king. You must choose one lord to remain loyal to. Several different lords approach you, offering a variety of perks for your services. Would you choose the first pretty offer that came along without looking at the character of the lord? I would hope not. A lord could offer you all of the riches in the world, but he could treat his knights poorly, taking advantage of them and working them too hard. Is that the lord that you would swear fealty to? Instead, look at the way the lord treats his men. Is he respectful? Does he fulfill his duties to his men? Is he loyal to their agreements? If the answer to those question is yes, then perhaps he is worth giving your loyalty to.

Of course, loyalty and friendship don't have to be permanent and there's no swearing involved. You're free to give and take your loyalty as you please, at the risk of losing the trust of people you care about. The point is, don't give your loyalty to anyone who comes into your life. Save it for the people who treat you right; the people who deserve it.

The friend who asked me if I thought he was loyal ended up taking advantage of the fact that I had a car. He tricked me out of gas money by giving me food (working at FedEx makes you very, very hungry). Because he was so full of himself, I wasn't sure how to approach him about that. Finally, I got frustrated and refused to wait in the parking lot for him one night. The friendship collapsed, ending when he lashed out and claimed that I was a bad friend who wasn't very loyal. My response? Loyalty is a thing earned, and he had never earned it from me. Too many times he had agreed to give me gas money and then failed to do so. Too many times he had overstepped social boundaries and made me angry. I had no reason to be loyal to him, and I didn't see him as a loyal person either.

That friend of mine is an example of why you should not swear fealty to the first lord who comes along with a tempting offer.

I've been losing so much time...

Well, it has been a long time. Almost two years, in fact. Isn't it amazing how quickly time passes these days? It's been two years since I escaped hell on earth, only to end up in another version of hell. I've been in love, and fallen out of it. I've lost, gained, and mended friendships. I've spent countless days longing for things I can never have. I've worked myself to the bone for every penny I've made. I've changed a lot in the short two years that I've been home. And, in all of that, I realize that two years is a lot of time, no matter how quickly it seems to pass.

When there isn't much going on in life the days start to blur together. Here and there specific events stand out, giving you an idea of how much time has passed. January, February, and March all pass by in a blur, but then March 22nd you start a new job and suddenly the days start to stand out a little more, until the job isn't as new any more. Then April 27th rolls around and you've fallen in love and established a relationship. Eventually that becomes part of every day and things blend together again. There's a birthday here, a holiday there. Your boyfriend is kicked out of his house, so he moves in with your family. Then that becomes normal. Christmas, and then your boyfriend moves out and things change again. April rolls around and you have a stressful anniversary. The next thing you know, summer is gone, Halloween is coming up, and you're suddenly single. That becomes normal eventually too. And then, sitting down and thinking, you realize that two years have passed and Christmas is coming again. Where was Thanksgiving in all of that?

That's what my life looks like. There are long periods of time when nothing happens and I barely realize how much time has passed, until something happens to wake me up. Now Christmas is coming and I'm just not ready for it. I don't feel the Christmas spirit this year. The days have become routine, monotonous, and depressing. I don't want to leave my bed, let alone my room. My dreams have become better than my reality.

These days I spend my time helping out with my mom's daycare service, even though I can't stand the kids she watches (my brothers are the exception there). I do it to get out of my room, and out of bed. Even though I don't like it, forcing myself to get up at nine every morning makes me feel more alive and takes my mind off of all of the shit that I try to avoid each and every day. During the free time I have (2pm to 6pm weekdays) I sleep. If I have anything important to do then I leave it for the time after my shift at FedEx. I shower, take care of my pets (feed the snakes, treat fish with fin rot, give the cat his medicine), and finally I eat and then try to sleep. On the weekends I sleep, sleep, and sleep some more.

Why do I waste so much time doing these things that, ultimately, take me no where? I should be spending my time making friends, falling in love, hanging out with old friends, and spending time with family. I should be having fun. Unfortunately, I've started to forget what fun is. I'm trying to remember. I know that the memories of fun are locked away in my head somewhere and if I can just remember how to do it then my life will be so much better. When you feel like your life sucks it's not easy to try to have fun, but you have to try anyways. Living in misery will only kill you. Even if you have to force the happiness, trying to be happy or seem happy can actually help you be happy.

Have fun. Do things you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy then try something new. If you used to enjoy something, try it again. I picked up crocheting again after years of not doing it, and now I use it as a wonderful form of meditation. I've been trying to write again, after depression and anxiety made it a stressful practice. I've even started reading again after struggling with it after starting college. There's more to life than just the daily grind. There are good experiences to have, and bad ones. Sometimes things suck, but if we let that rule our lives then it's not really living. Life is about the good and the bad. It's about persevering and fighting and making the best of things. If you let fear drag you down until you hide away from the world you're going to realize one day that you've missed out on a lot of time. Time passes by quickly these days. Years come and go before you even have a chance to blink.

Don't miss out on life. There are so many good things out there. Bad things might happen, but if you know where to look and try to make the best of things, the good can outweigh the bad, no matter how hopeless things seem.