Package Handling 101 - How to Piss Off a Package Handler

Welcome to Package Handling 101 - where I tell you some very important things about how package handling works!

I work at a FedEx Ground hub, where we sort, move, and otherwise handle hundreds of thousands of packages a day. We have three main sections that run all day long, one slightly smaller section that runs during the evening, and two smaller sections that also run all day. The first section consists of the load ends, of which there are four (A1, A2, B1, B2). This is where the packages are sent down chutes and put into trailers that are headed across the country. The second section is called Unload, of which there are three (Unload 1, 2, and 3), and it is responsible for unloading incoming trailers so that the packages can be sorted and sent to the load ends. The third large section is called Center Area or Smalls, and this is where all of the smaller packages (envelopes, little boxes, etc.) are sent to be bagged and then transported to the trailer they will be travelling in. The mid-sized section is called Local. This is where I am currently stationed. Local is charged with unloading the local vans that go through our area and collect packages that people are shipping. Finally, there are the two smaller sections, called Quality Assurance and the Mezzanine. The Mez is where people run around and make sure that nothing is jamming up in the system. QA handles damaged packages.

Everyone who works these sections is called a package handler. Or, as the announcement television sets like to call it, Package Guardians (doesn't that make us sound awesome?). Without us, packages wouldn't be going anywhere. I like to think we're Santa's elves, at least during Christmas time.

Among the package handlers there are specific things that make all of us very, very angry when doing our jobs. These things typically make our difficult job even harder. Today I would like to give you an idea of what those things are. But first, know that there are four types of people that irritate package handlers. The first is the customer, which includes businesses (like Walmart, Shutterfly, Lowes, etc.) and individual customers (the average person shipping a package). The second group consists of the package handlers from other hubs around the country. Third is our service managers (we're not going to cover that here). Finally, and more specifically for people who work in Local, there are the van drivers. Here is a list of the things that piss package handlers off....


A. The Customer

1. Shipping boxes that have been used over and over again and look as if they might fall apart the moment they touch another box.
2. Shipping awkwardly shaped packages (something that isn't square, rectangular, round, or cylindrical).
3. Ordering Christmas trees instead of going to a local vendor and picking one out yourself.
4. Ordering from Shutterfly.
5. Failing to pack a package correctly and leaving lots of air inside of the box, resulting in an unstable package that doesn't really fit into box walls very well.
6. Ordering Bowflex. Or Nautilus. Or trampolines. Or cribs.
7. Shipping live insects, like meal worms, in a box that has holes so that bits of god-knows-what can fall out and land on your face.
8. Labeling flat packages with "Do Not Lay Flat". Or labeling tall packages with the same thing.
9. Arrows telling you how the package has to sit.
10. Labeling a 40+ pound package with "Top Load Only".
11. Labeling a package with "Do Not Stack" or "Do Not Drop" (although these make us laugh because FedEx ensures that your package will be both stacked and dropped whether you like it or not.

B. Other Package Handlers

1. Building package walls that include columns of boxes (these will fall on the person unloading the trailer).
2. Putting the heaviest box possible on the very top of the wall, making it dangerous to try to unload the trailer.
3. Putting tires on top of a wall (I currently have a nasty bruise on my knee because of this one).
4. Filling the belly of the trailer with incompatible boxes (boxes that can't go down the chutes are instead transported to their trailers via a belt).
5. Building walls that are unstable and consisted of a lot of back fill, which results in avalanches.
6. Building walls entirely out of smalls bags or some other similar package. 

C. Local Van Drivers

1. Loading a van by tossing packages in randomly which results in a giant pile of packages that is hard to sort through.
2. Stacking the top shelf all the way to the ceiling, where only NBA players can reach.
3. Wedging packages on the top shelf in between the ceiling and the shelf so that only a body building NBA player could get it down.
4. Putting heavy packages on the top shelf.
5. Hiding small packages on top of the boxes on the top shelf so that the unloader can't see them, which results in them getting smacked in the face when they try to get the box they can see down.
6. Hiding sharp pieces of metal on top of the top shelf boxes.
7. Covering the floor of the van with long boxes and then putting all of the normal boxes on top of them so that the unloader has to step carefully around the long packages to uncover them.
8. Wedging boxes in anywhere so tightly that they have to be contorted to move.
9. Crushing boxes underneath other boxes.
10. Hiding smalls in or around personal belongings left inside of the truck so that we can later get in trouble for missing packages.
11. Hiding smalls packages inside of the tires people have ordered.
12. Leaving the dolly in front of all of the packages so that we have to move it somewhere just to get in the van.

With that, I urge you all to get a job at FedEx. It's fun, I swear! And, as a plus, you get paid to exercise!