Each year Christmas comes and I wonder how my family manages to pull it off. We are one of the most dysfunctional families I know - and I know that we're far from the most dysfunctional. Seriously, though, every year it feels like I am spending Christmas with a group of high school students or college freshman. How one family can manage to create so much drama, I may never know. Last year someone didn't get exactly what they wanted or got less than someone else, so of course the first reaction is to throw a fit, cry, and stomp out of the house. And I'm not talking about kids here. I'm talking about a twenty-two year old married woman. The last time I was upset because I didn't get the exact same as someone else in the house, I was in elementary school.
Somehow we managed to pull this Christmas off with minimal drama. If anyone got less than anybody else, it was me, and I sure as hell didn't give a shit. I was happy with every gift I got, from Starbucks gift card to my very first scarf. What several of the people in my family fail to realize is that it's not about how much you get. It's about being thankful that you have loved ones who care about you. It's about being a family. It's about loving one another.
Christmas is a holiday where it becomes clear which half of the family is materialistic and which half is all about loving each other. We're a blended family. There's my mom and her husband. I am my mom's oldest, but her husband has a daughter a year older than me who is married and now has a son. She is my stepsister. My father is out of the picture, and has never been a part of it. I have a half-sister who is five years younger. Her father is not in the picture either. My two half brothers are from my mom and her husband, and they are the sweetest little things on the face of the earth.
My mom's husband was raised in a very materialistic family. In other words, he is never happy with what he has. In his family the parents got everything and it was the kids who went without, and he seems to think that is how the children in this family should be raised. His daughter tends to be materialistic as well, though not to the extreme that her father does. She does get upset if she doesn't get the same amount that my sister and I, who still live at home, get, even though she's married and has her own family now.
My mom was raised differently. Her mother, my grandma, often went without in order to make sure that my mom had everything she needed. My mom, though she went through horrible things as a child, was taught that how much you have is not what matters. She raised my sister and I the same way, and is raising the boys that way now. My sister is a teenager, so she's going through some rebellious stages, but I am happy with what I have, even when I have been wearing the same, beat up pair of sandals for the last several years. I have what I need, and that's all that matters. The boys are that way sometimes, but they have picked up a lot of selfishness from their father. It hurts to see them throwing fits when they can't have the toy they want or the movie that costs too much.
I am happy with the things I have. I have to rely on other people for things I need because of the debt I'm in from a failed attempt at college. I don't have a lot of things that I want or need. What matters is that I am happy. I have two sweet little brothers who look up to me, wonderful best friends, a cute baby nephew, a sister who can be a pain (but I love her!) and a loving mother and grandmother. I have a cat who drives everyone insane even though he's adorable and fluffy. I love him to death. I have my fish and my snails. I have two wonderful garter snakes that trust me, even though they like to sit and glare at me from their tanks. How could I not be thankful for what I have?
I wish that everyone in my family could see things this way. My mom's husband will never change; this I know. We've waited seven years for that to happen, and it hasn't. If anything, it gets worse each year. He wants so many things that he's spending his retirement funds (he's not retired yet) to buy things or take trips that we really can't afford. He spends it all on what he wants, and then he neglects to make sure that everyone in the family has what they need - and needs are greater than wants. There have been times when he won't even let my mom buy clothes for his sons, because he wants the money for something else. If I were in his place, I would go without clothes myself before my sons didn't have the clothes they need.
Greed and ungratefulness doesn't just come in the form of money. My mom's husband is so set in what he wants that he can't do anything for others, whether it's money related or not. He wants so badly to watch television that he will go to the point of ignoring his children when they need him. The littlest one - age three - is potty trained, but needs help getting onto the toilet, making sure he aims correctly, and wiping when necessary. This last week, my mom went to the store one evening for a few minutes to get some things we had run out of. She came home to the little one crying in the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and a mess on the floor. Why? Because he had asked daddy for help, but daddy ignored him and he really had to go so he tried to do it himself. But he couldn't climb onto the toilet. When he couldn't hold it and made the mess he was hysterical because he thought he was in trouble. He was crying very loudly, and had been for little while when my mom came home. Where was her husband? Still watching television, ignoring the crying that could be heard from the bathroom.
I don't understand how a grown adult, a father, could be so selfish that he would ignore his son who needs help, just because he doesn't want to do it. I can't even bring myself to call him their father. I am more of a father to them than he is, and I'm their sister.
I don't know how normal this is here in the United States, or elsewhere. What I do know is that this is selfishness. Sometimes selfishness can be appropriate, but when it comes to taking care of someone you're responsible for creating? or when it comes to being grateful for the gifts your family generously gave to you? That is when selfishness is wrong. That is when it is not okay. I hope to God that I can show my little brothers how to care for others. I know how they feel. My father is selfish too, going as far as publicly insulting me on Facebook because I didn't give him what he wanted. I want to show people, my brothers especially, that getting what you want isn't important. What is important is that you are loved, you are taken care of, and that you give the same to others.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Package Handling 101 - How To Ship A Package
When you read the title of this post, you probably thought to yourself that the process is simple. Everyone knows how to ship a package, right? You put what you want to ship in a box and then you take it to a shipping place - say, the post office, or a FedEx Office store, or UPS - and then they ship it for you. That is how it works, essentially. But there is something that people don't think about when they ship a package, and that is actually packaging the package.
This is a very important step to shipping a package, and it's one that a lot of people completely fuck up.
During the sorting process a package goes through a series of belts, chutes, and rollers that carry it from one place to another. Often, packages are picked up by local vans (those square van-like truck things). Inside the van the packages can easily be crushed, tossed around, can fall, and be generally abused by the trip, depending on the road quality, the driver, and where in the van the package is sitting. At the FedEx hub, it is unloaded by a package handler by being sent along a small set of rollers to a belt that moves it up into the system. From there it travels with thousands of other packages, some small and some large, through a system where it is sorted. Often, there are jams in the system when a package - often one that is too long or too large - blocks up the belt system. This can result in packages getting crushed, especially if none of the mezzanine workers are nearby to quickly fix the jam.
Once they are sorted, the packages are then sent to their destination via a belt that leads to a load end. When they reach the load end they are dropped down a specific chute that takes them directly into the trailer that they are meant to be loaded in. This is the part where the package encounters the most damage.
A package might be fine going down a chute, depending on it's size, the amount of other packages going down the chute, and the quality of the package. If there are a lot of packages going down the chute then there is a good chance that the chute is lanefull. Lanefull means that there are so many packages that a warning light comes on saying that it is backed up and needs to be cleared out. Often the packages are weighing down on one another, and packages that are lighter or not very strong are likely to be crushed or burst open. Small packages won't necessarily be crushed if they are well packed. That is where "how to ship a package" comes into play.
The first step to shipping a package is packing the package in question. And the first step in packing a package is choosing a box (I'm only focusing on boxes here - everything else is typically incompatible, so the process is different). Here are a few rules when it comes to choosing a box:
This is a very important step to shipping a package, and it's one that a lot of people completely fuck up.
During the sorting process a package goes through a series of belts, chutes, and rollers that carry it from one place to another. Often, packages are picked up by local vans (those square van-like truck things). Inside the van the packages can easily be crushed, tossed around, can fall, and be generally abused by the trip, depending on the road quality, the driver, and where in the van the package is sitting. At the FedEx hub, it is unloaded by a package handler by being sent along a small set of rollers to a belt that moves it up into the system. From there it travels with thousands of other packages, some small and some large, through a system where it is sorted. Often, there are jams in the system when a package - often one that is too long or too large - blocks up the belt system. This can result in packages getting crushed, especially if none of the mezzanine workers are nearby to quickly fix the jam.
Once they are sorted, the packages are then sent to their destination via a belt that leads to a load end. When they reach the load end they are dropped down a specific chute that takes them directly into the trailer that they are meant to be loaded in. This is the part where the package encounters the most damage.
A package might be fine going down a chute, depending on it's size, the amount of other packages going down the chute, and the quality of the package. If there are a lot of packages going down the chute then there is a good chance that the chute is lanefull. Lanefull means that there are so many packages that a warning light comes on saying that it is backed up and needs to be cleared out. Often the packages are weighing down on one another, and packages that are lighter or not very strong are likely to be crushed or burst open. Small packages won't necessarily be crushed if they are well packed. That is where "how to ship a package" comes into play.
The first step to shipping a package is packing the package in question. And the first step in packing a package is choosing a box (I'm only focusing on boxes here - everything else is typically incompatible, so the process is different). Here are a few rules when it comes to choosing a box:
- Don't pick a box that is significantly larger than what you are shipping. The more open space in a box, the more likely it can be crushed. Air doesn't give much resistance against other, potentially larger packages.
- Don't reuse a box too many times. Every time it goes through the system it acquires more damage and gets weaker. The weaker it gets, the more likely it is to be torn apart, crushed, or otherwise damaged when you use it.
- Don't use a box that's too small for what you want to ship. If you have to squeeze it in, that means its too small. If it bulges out, it won't sit right on the belt, while going down rollers, and when it is loaded. It means that the item could be damaged.
- If you have to tape two boxes together for the package to fit, just find a bigger box. Tape does not hold up well in the system.
The second step is putting the item in the box. The main idea here is to make sure there is as little empty space as possible. If you have to, fill in empty space with cushioning things, such as torn up newspaper, packing peanuts, bubble wrap, or even a towel or something else soft. The third step is sealing it. The key here is to use packing tape, or some other sturdy tape. Even duct tape! Don't be afraid to tape it tightly and don't be afraid to use a lot of it. If you're worrying about how hard it will be to open, don't. Tape is your friend. Use the tape.
If you follow these steps, your package should be good. As an added measure, here are some things to consider, from the view of the package handlers where I work.
- Arrows don't matter if the package fits better in a different direction, unless a manager is watching. Speed and wall structure is more important than directional arrows.
- Fragile doesn't mean anything. Half the packages say it. Bright colors or big letters don't make a difference, and writing it more than once doesn't make it any more fragile than any other package.
- Packages that say "do not lay flat" were obviously packed by an imbecile because, due to the nature f the system, the package has to lie flat in order to be moved to the trailer. Usually these packages are thin and don't stand up well on their own.
- Re-taping a package that fell apart or came un-taped is annoying and time wasting, and sometimes isn't worth it if there are a lot of other packages to deal with. FedEx stresses speed over quality when there are a lot of packages.
Today I will end the lesson with that. Of course, the package handlers thing a lot of other things about certain packages and most of those thoughts include plenty of insults and swearing. But hopefully this little lesson will help a few people better package their packages.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Package Handling 101 - How to Piss Off a Package Handler
Welcome to Package Handling 101 - where I tell you some very important things about how package handling works!
I work at a FedEx Ground hub, where we sort, move, and otherwise handle hundreds of thousands of packages a day. We have three main sections that run all day long, one slightly smaller section that runs during the evening, and two smaller sections that also run all day. The first section consists of the load ends, of which there are four (A1, A2, B1, B2). This is where the packages are sent down chutes and put into trailers that are headed across the country. The second section is called Unload, of which there are three (Unload 1, 2, and 3), and it is responsible for unloading incoming trailers so that the packages can be sorted and sent to the load ends. The third large section is called Center Area or Smalls, and this is where all of the smaller packages (envelopes, little boxes, etc.) are sent to be bagged and then transported to the trailer they will be travelling in. The mid-sized section is called Local. This is where I am currently stationed. Local is charged with unloading the local vans that go through our area and collect packages that people are shipping. Finally, there are the two smaller sections, called Quality Assurance and the Mezzanine. The Mez is where people run around and make sure that nothing is jamming up in the system. QA handles damaged packages.
Everyone who works these sections is called a package handler. Or, as the announcement television sets like to call it, Package Guardians (doesn't that make us sound awesome?). Without us, packages wouldn't be going anywhere. I like to think we're Santa's elves, at least during Christmas time.
Among the package handlers there are specific things that make all of us very, very angry when doing our jobs. These things typically make our difficult job even harder. Today I would like to give you an idea of what those things are. But first, know that there are four types of people that irritate package handlers. The first is the customer, which includes businesses (like Walmart, Shutterfly, Lowes, etc.) and individual customers (the average person shipping a package). The second group consists of the package handlers from other hubs around the country. Third is our service managers (we're not going to cover that here). Finally, and more specifically for people who work in Local, there are the van drivers. Here is a list of the things that piss package handlers off....
A. The Customer
I work at a FedEx Ground hub, where we sort, move, and otherwise handle hundreds of thousands of packages a day. We have three main sections that run all day long, one slightly smaller section that runs during the evening, and two smaller sections that also run all day. The first section consists of the load ends, of which there are four (A1, A2, B1, B2). This is where the packages are sent down chutes and put into trailers that are headed across the country. The second section is called Unload, of which there are three (Unload 1, 2, and 3), and it is responsible for unloading incoming trailers so that the packages can be sorted and sent to the load ends. The third large section is called Center Area or Smalls, and this is where all of the smaller packages (envelopes, little boxes, etc.) are sent to be bagged and then transported to the trailer they will be travelling in. The mid-sized section is called Local. This is where I am currently stationed. Local is charged with unloading the local vans that go through our area and collect packages that people are shipping. Finally, there are the two smaller sections, called Quality Assurance and the Mezzanine. The Mez is where people run around and make sure that nothing is jamming up in the system. QA handles damaged packages.
Everyone who works these sections is called a package handler. Or, as the announcement television sets like to call it, Package Guardians (doesn't that make us sound awesome?). Without us, packages wouldn't be going anywhere. I like to think we're Santa's elves, at least during Christmas time.
Among the package handlers there are specific things that make all of us very, very angry when doing our jobs. These things typically make our difficult job even harder. Today I would like to give you an idea of what those things are. But first, know that there are four types of people that irritate package handlers. The first is the customer, which includes businesses (like Walmart, Shutterfly, Lowes, etc.) and individual customers (the average person shipping a package). The second group consists of the package handlers from other hubs around the country. Third is our service managers (we're not going to cover that here). Finally, and more specifically for people who work in Local, there are the van drivers. Here is a list of the things that piss package handlers off....
A. The Customer
- Shipping boxes that have been used over and over again and look as if they might fall apart the moment they touch another box.
- Shipping awkwardly shaped packages (something that isn't square, rectangular, round, or cylindrical).
- Ordering Christmas trees instead of going to a local vendor and picking one out yourself.
- Ordering from Shutterfly.
- Failing to pack a package correctly and leaving lots of air inside of the box, resulting in an unstable package that doesn't really fit into box walls very well.
- Ordering Bowflex. Or Nautilus. Or trampolines. Or cribs.
- Shipping live insects, like meal worms, in a box that has holes so that bits of god-knows-what can fall out and land on your face.
- Labeling flat packages with "Do Not Lay Flat". Or labeling tall packages with the same thing.
- Arrows telling you how the package has to sit.
- Labeling a 40+ pound package with "Top Load Only".
- Labeling a package with "Do Not Stack" or "Do Not Drop" (although these make us laugh because FedEx ensures that your package will be both stacked and dropped whether you like it or not.
B. Other Package Handlers
- Building package walls that include columns of boxes (these will fall on the person unloading the trailer).
- Putting the heaviest box possible on the very top of the wall, making it dangerous to try to unload the trailer.
- Putting tires on top of a wall (I currently have a nasty bruise on my knee because of this one).
- Filling the belly of the trailer with incompatible boxes (boxes that can't go down the chutes are instead transported to their trailers via a belt).
- Building walls that are unstable and consisted of a lot of back fill, which results in avalanches.
- Building walls entirely out of smalls bags or some other similar package.
C. Local Van Drivers
- Loading a van by tossing packages in randomly which results in a giant pile of packages that is hard to sort through.
- Stacking the top shelf all the way to the ceiling, where only NBA players can reach.
- Wedging packages on the top shelf in between the ceiling and the shelf so that only a body building NBA player could get it down.
- Putting heavy packages on the top shelf.
- Hiding small packages on top of the boxes on the top shelf so that the unloader can't see them, which results in them getting smacked in the face when they try to get the box they can see down.
- Hiding sharp pieces of metal on top of the top shelf boxes.
- Covering the floor of the van with long boxes and then putting all of the normal boxes on top of them so that the unloader has to step carefully around the long packages to uncover them.
- Wedging boxes in anywhere so tightly that they have to be contorted to move.
- Crushing boxes underneath other boxes.
- Hiding smalls in or around personal belongings left inside of the truck so that we can later get in trouble for missing packages.
- Hiding smalls packages inside of the tires people have ordered.
- Leaving the dolly in front of all of the packages so that we have to move it somewhere just to get in the van.
With that, I urge you all to get a job at FedEx. It's fun, I swear! And, as a plus, you get paid to exercise!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Loyalty is a thing earned.
About a year ago a friend asked me if I considered him loyal. He and I were not close friends. I knew him through my boyfriend at the time and had started giving him rides to work after he crashed his scooter on the way home one night. This guy was very intelligent and extremely cocky. He also lacked an understanding of social boundaries. That doesn't really play much into whether or not I thought he was loyal, but his cockiness made me dislike him quite a bit. Because of that, I wasn't able to give him an answer (he then proceeded to list the people he thought were loyal and why he thought he was loyal).
I explained to him that I didn't know him well enough to be able to give him an answer at the time. The conversation opened up a chain of thoughts that I meditated on for the next day or so, the main focus of which was "What is loyalty to me?"
A year before that conversation I had escaped a bad situation that I had been stuck in for several years. During and after my escape I lost, solidified, and found friendships. I was forced to look at the qualities of the friends that I had, and during the time the subject of loyalty had come up in my mind more than once. There were some friends that I was completely loyal to, but I wasn't sure that I was receiving the same in return. This was especially true in my last two weeks there, when a friend went behind my back and decided not to travel with me, which meant I had to come up with the extra money she promised me in gas on very short notice. It opened my eyes to how important I was to her and how misplaced my loyalty and my love was.
The definition of loyalty is "faithfulness to commitments or obligations." When it comes to being loyal to a friend it's hardly an obligation. It's a choice. It is the word "faithfulness" that stands out in that definition. Faithfulness means "steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant." This is the most important quality of loyalty in terms of friendship. It means loving and supporting a friend as much as you can.
I believe that it's important to look for good, close friends that are going to be loyal to you. Of course, not every friend is going to be loyal. Everyone is closer to some friends than others. I don't expect my work friends to be loyal, but I do expect my closest friends to be. It's also important to be loyal to the friends that you expect loyalty from. Treat others the way that you would want to be treated.
I view loyalty and friendship a bit like a knight swearing fealty to a lord or king. Suppose that you are a knight in a realm where several different lords are vying to become the next king. You must choose one lord to remain loyal to. Several different lords approach you, offering a variety of perks for your services. Would you choose the first pretty offer that came along without looking at the character of the lord? I would hope not. A lord could offer you all of the riches in the world, but he could treat his knights poorly, taking advantage of them and working them too hard. Is that the lord that you would swear fealty to? Instead, look at the way the lord treats his men. Is he respectful? Does he fulfill his duties to his men? Is he loyal to their agreements? If the answer to those question is yes, then perhaps he is worth giving your loyalty to.
Of course, loyalty and friendship don't have to be permanent and there's no swearing involved. You're free to give and take your loyalty as you please, at the risk of losing the trust of people you care about. The point is, don't give your loyalty to anyone who comes into your life. Save it for the people who treat you right; the people who deserve it.
The friend who asked me if I thought he was loyal ended up taking advantage of the fact that I had a car. He tricked me out of gas money by giving me food (working at FedEx makes you very, very hungry). Because he was so full of himself, I wasn't sure how to approach him about that. Finally, I got frustrated and refused to wait in the parking lot for him one night. The friendship collapsed, ending when he lashed out and claimed that I was a bad friend who wasn't very loyal. My response? Loyalty is a thing earned, and he had never earned it from me. Too many times he had agreed to give me gas money and then failed to do so. Too many times he had overstepped social boundaries and made me angry. I had no reason to be loyal to him, and I didn't see him as a loyal person either.
That friend of mine is an example of why you should not swear fealty to the first lord who comes along with a tempting offer.
I explained to him that I didn't know him well enough to be able to give him an answer at the time. The conversation opened up a chain of thoughts that I meditated on for the next day or so, the main focus of which was "What is loyalty to me?"
A year before that conversation I had escaped a bad situation that I had been stuck in for several years. During and after my escape I lost, solidified, and found friendships. I was forced to look at the qualities of the friends that I had, and during the time the subject of loyalty had come up in my mind more than once. There were some friends that I was completely loyal to, but I wasn't sure that I was receiving the same in return. This was especially true in my last two weeks there, when a friend went behind my back and decided not to travel with me, which meant I had to come up with the extra money she promised me in gas on very short notice. It opened my eyes to how important I was to her and how misplaced my loyalty and my love was.
The definition of loyalty is "faithfulness to commitments or obligations." When it comes to being loyal to a friend it's hardly an obligation. It's a choice. It is the word "faithfulness" that stands out in that definition. Faithfulness means "steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant." This is the most important quality of loyalty in terms of friendship. It means loving and supporting a friend as much as you can.
I believe that it's important to look for good, close friends that are going to be loyal to you. Of course, not every friend is going to be loyal. Everyone is closer to some friends than others. I don't expect my work friends to be loyal, but I do expect my closest friends to be. It's also important to be loyal to the friends that you expect loyalty from. Treat others the way that you would want to be treated.
I view loyalty and friendship a bit like a knight swearing fealty to a lord or king. Suppose that you are a knight in a realm where several different lords are vying to become the next king. You must choose one lord to remain loyal to. Several different lords approach you, offering a variety of perks for your services. Would you choose the first pretty offer that came along without looking at the character of the lord? I would hope not. A lord could offer you all of the riches in the world, but he could treat his knights poorly, taking advantage of them and working them too hard. Is that the lord that you would swear fealty to? Instead, look at the way the lord treats his men. Is he respectful? Does he fulfill his duties to his men? Is he loyal to their agreements? If the answer to those question is yes, then perhaps he is worth giving your loyalty to.
Of course, loyalty and friendship don't have to be permanent and there's no swearing involved. You're free to give and take your loyalty as you please, at the risk of losing the trust of people you care about. The point is, don't give your loyalty to anyone who comes into your life. Save it for the people who treat you right; the people who deserve it.
The friend who asked me if I thought he was loyal ended up taking advantage of the fact that I had a car. He tricked me out of gas money by giving me food (working at FedEx makes you very, very hungry). Because he was so full of himself, I wasn't sure how to approach him about that. Finally, I got frustrated and refused to wait in the parking lot for him one night. The friendship collapsed, ending when he lashed out and claimed that I was a bad friend who wasn't very loyal. My response? Loyalty is a thing earned, and he had never earned it from me. Too many times he had agreed to give me gas money and then failed to do so. Too many times he had overstepped social boundaries and made me angry. I had no reason to be loyal to him, and I didn't see him as a loyal person either.
That friend of mine is an example of why you should not swear fealty to the first lord who comes along with a tempting offer.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Accepting less than we deserve.
When it comes to love I tend to believe that you don't necessarily deserve any specific type of person. You don't deserve someone amazing just because you're a good person who does good things, and you don't deserve someone less than amazing because you have a hard life or get into trouble a lot. Just because people think I'm intelligent, loyal, or kind doesn't mean that I deserve to be with a saint. Love is about who you want to be with, not what you deserve. It's about who makes you happy and who you choose to love. If you deserve anything, it's to be with the person you love.
While I still hold quite firmly to that belief, I have come to realize that there are things that people do deserve when it comes to a significant other.
Every girl and every boy, every man and every woman, no matter who they are, what they've been through, or where they are in their life, deserves to be respected, especially by a significant other. You deserve to be happy, to be with the one that you love, but you also deserve to be with someone who respects who you are and how you feel. Respect is important in any relationship.
I spent a year and a half with a boy whom I loved very much. I say boy for a reason, even though he recently turned twenty-one. There was more than one time when he tried to break up with me. His excuses were that I deserved better than him, or I should try to date other people. I didn't believe either of those things. I fought to keep us together because I loved him more than I had ever loved before. I didn't care that we fought all the time. I didn't mind his pig-headed tenacity that caused so many of the fights. I was more than willing to put up with his childish comments and persistent offensive behavior because I loved him. Ultimately, my love for him was all that mattered to me. When he told me that I deserved better than him I disagreed because I believed that I deserved to have the person that I was in love with.
I failed to realize then that I wasn't receiving the respect that I deserved from him. Every time we fought he ended up making empty promises to change. He promised to stop brushing off my complaints - that he was ignoring me, that he wasn't taking me seriously, that he was talking rudely to me - as if they were jokes. He promised to stop swearing at me as much. He promised to stop smacking my butt and grabbing my breasts constantly, though especially in public. In the end, he broke every single one of those promises, and more. In the end, he tossed me to the curb and refused to speak to me, as if all of our problems were my fault. When he ended things I begged him for two weeks to take me back, without even so much as a "no" from him. He ignored every message, every plea. I loved him more than anything or anyone, and he had said that he loved me the same. Then suddenly he turned his back on me. I was lost, confused, and hurt.
At first I thought that I might wait for him to change his mind and come back. Then, when he continued to ignore me (at this point I was trying to get his Sprint account and pin number so I could switch my phone off his plan), I realized that I really did deserve better. Yeah, I loved the guy more than anything in the world. I would have gone to hell and back for him. But I realized that, no matter how much I loved him, he wasn't worth my time anymore. Maybe I did deserve to be with the one I loved, but I did not deserve to be tossed to the curb while he was still claiming that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I didn't deserve to be completely ignored by the person I loved so much. Love isn't always worth that kind of pain.
I made a big decision in the third week after he ended things. I decided that I deserved a man, not a boy. I deserved someone who could handle relationship problems maturely and who respected me and my feelings. My ex had stopped showing me respect months before he broke things off. I should have ended things then and there, but I was caught up in wanting something that was less than what I deserved. In a sense, I was settling for the first thing that came along that seemed to satisfy my need to love someone.
The last message (apart from the ones when I was trying to get those damn account numbers!) I sent to him was this: "You were right. I do deserve better. I deserve someone who respects me." After I switched my phone back to my parents' plan I removed his number, deleted him from Facebook, and removed any remaining message threads I had from him. I still think about him every day, and he will always have a place in my heart. But if I had to choose between him and being alone for the rest of eternity, I would choose to be alone. I know that I deserve something better than him, no matter how much I love him.
It's not just about who you love. It's about who loves you enough to treat you with the respect that you deserve.
While I still hold quite firmly to that belief, I have come to realize that there are things that people do deserve when it comes to a significant other.
Every girl and every boy, every man and every woman, no matter who they are, what they've been through, or where they are in their life, deserves to be respected, especially by a significant other. You deserve to be happy, to be with the one that you love, but you also deserve to be with someone who respects who you are and how you feel. Respect is important in any relationship.
I spent a year and a half with a boy whom I loved very much. I say boy for a reason, even though he recently turned twenty-one. There was more than one time when he tried to break up with me. His excuses were that I deserved better than him, or I should try to date other people. I didn't believe either of those things. I fought to keep us together because I loved him more than I had ever loved before. I didn't care that we fought all the time. I didn't mind his pig-headed tenacity that caused so many of the fights. I was more than willing to put up with his childish comments and persistent offensive behavior because I loved him. Ultimately, my love for him was all that mattered to me. When he told me that I deserved better than him I disagreed because I believed that I deserved to have the person that I was in love with.
I failed to realize then that I wasn't receiving the respect that I deserved from him. Every time we fought he ended up making empty promises to change. He promised to stop brushing off my complaints - that he was ignoring me, that he wasn't taking me seriously, that he was talking rudely to me - as if they were jokes. He promised to stop swearing at me as much. He promised to stop smacking my butt and grabbing my breasts constantly, though especially in public. In the end, he broke every single one of those promises, and more. In the end, he tossed me to the curb and refused to speak to me, as if all of our problems were my fault. When he ended things I begged him for two weeks to take me back, without even so much as a "no" from him. He ignored every message, every plea. I loved him more than anything or anyone, and he had said that he loved me the same. Then suddenly he turned his back on me. I was lost, confused, and hurt.
At first I thought that I might wait for him to change his mind and come back. Then, when he continued to ignore me (at this point I was trying to get his Sprint account and pin number so I could switch my phone off his plan), I realized that I really did deserve better. Yeah, I loved the guy more than anything in the world. I would have gone to hell and back for him. But I realized that, no matter how much I loved him, he wasn't worth my time anymore. Maybe I did deserve to be with the one I loved, but I did not deserve to be tossed to the curb while he was still claiming that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I didn't deserve to be completely ignored by the person I loved so much. Love isn't always worth that kind of pain.
I made a big decision in the third week after he ended things. I decided that I deserved a man, not a boy. I deserved someone who could handle relationship problems maturely and who respected me and my feelings. My ex had stopped showing me respect months before he broke things off. I should have ended things then and there, but I was caught up in wanting something that was less than what I deserved. In a sense, I was settling for the first thing that came along that seemed to satisfy my need to love someone.
The last message (apart from the ones when I was trying to get those damn account numbers!) I sent to him was this: "You were right. I do deserve better. I deserve someone who respects me." After I switched my phone back to my parents' plan I removed his number, deleted him from Facebook, and removed any remaining message threads I had from him. I still think about him every day, and he will always have a place in my heart. But if I had to choose between him and being alone for the rest of eternity, I would choose to be alone. I know that I deserve something better than him, no matter how much I love him.
It's not just about who you love. It's about who loves you enough to treat you with the respect that you deserve.
I've been losing so much time...
Well, it has been a long time. Almost two years, in fact. Isn't it amazing how quickly time passes these days? It's been two years since I escaped hell on earth, only to end up in another version of hell. I've been in love, and fallen out of it. I've lost, gained, and mended friendships. I've spent countless days longing for things I can never have. I've worked myself to the bone for every penny I've made. I've changed a lot in the short two years that I've been home. And, in all of that, I realize that two years is a lot of time, no matter how quickly it seems to pass.
When there isn't much going on in life the days start to blur together. Here and there specific events stand out, giving you an idea of how much time has passed. January, February, and March all pass by in a blur, but then March 22nd you start a new job and suddenly the days start to stand out a little more, until the job isn't as new any more. Then April 27th rolls around and you've fallen in love and established a relationship. Eventually that becomes part of every day and things blend together again. There's a birthday here, a holiday there. Your boyfriend is kicked out of his house, so he moves in with your family. Then that becomes normal. Christmas, and then your boyfriend moves out and things change again. April rolls around and you have a stressful anniversary. The next thing you know, summer is gone, Halloween is coming up, and you're suddenly single. That becomes normal eventually too. And then, sitting down and thinking, you realize that two years have passed and Christmas is coming again. Where was Thanksgiving in all of that?
That's what my life looks like. There are long periods of time when nothing happens and I barely realize how much time has passed, until something happens to wake me up. Now Christmas is coming and I'm just not ready for it. I don't feel the Christmas spirit this year. The days have become routine, monotonous, and depressing. I don't want to leave my bed, let alone my room. My dreams have become better than my reality.
These days I spend my time helping out with my mom's daycare service, even though I can't stand the kids she watches (my brothers are the exception there). I do it to get out of my room, and out of bed. Even though I don't like it, forcing myself to get up at nine every morning makes me feel more alive and takes my mind off of all of the shit that I try to avoid each and every day. During the free time I have (2pm to 6pm weekdays) I sleep. If I have anything important to do then I leave it for the time after my shift at FedEx. I shower, take care of my pets (feed the snakes, treat fish with fin rot, give the cat his medicine), and finally I eat and then try to sleep. On the weekends I sleep, sleep, and sleep some more.
Why do I waste so much time doing these things that, ultimately, take me no where? I should be spending my time making friends, falling in love, hanging out with old friends, and spending time with family. I should be having fun. Unfortunately, I've started to forget what fun is. I'm trying to remember. I know that the memories of fun are locked away in my head somewhere and if I can just remember how to do it then my life will be so much better. When you feel like your life sucks it's not easy to try to have fun, but you have to try anyways. Living in misery will only kill you. Even if you have to force the happiness, trying to be happy or seem happy can actually help you be happy.
Have fun. Do things you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy then try something new. If you used to enjoy something, try it again. I picked up crocheting again after years of not doing it, and now I use it as a wonderful form of meditation. I've been trying to write again, after depression and anxiety made it a stressful practice. I've even started reading again after struggling with it after starting college. There's more to life than just the daily grind. There are good experiences to have, and bad ones. Sometimes things suck, but if we let that rule our lives then it's not really living. Life is about the good and the bad. It's about persevering and fighting and making the best of things. If you let fear drag you down until you hide away from the world you're going to realize one day that you've missed out on a lot of time. Time passes by quickly these days. Years come and go before you even have a chance to blink.
Don't miss out on life. There are so many good things out there. Bad things might happen, but if you know where to look and try to make the best of things, the good can outweigh the bad, no matter how hopeless things seem.
When there isn't much going on in life the days start to blur together. Here and there specific events stand out, giving you an idea of how much time has passed. January, February, and March all pass by in a blur, but then March 22nd you start a new job and suddenly the days start to stand out a little more, until the job isn't as new any more. Then April 27th rolls around and you've fallen in love and established a relationship. Eventually that becomes part of every day and things blend together again. There's a birthday here, a holiday there. Your boyfriend is kicked out of his house, so he moves in with your family. Then that becomes normal. Christmas, and then your boyfriend moves out and things change again. April rolls around and you have a stressful anniversary. The next thing you know, summer is gone, Halloween is coming up, and you're suddenly single. That becomes normal eventually too. And then, sitting down and thinking, you realize that two years have passed and Christmas is coming again. Where was Thanksgiving in all of that?
That's what my life looks like. There are long periods of time when nothing happens and I barely realize how much time has passed, until something happens to wake me up. Now Christmas is coming and I'm just not ready for it. I don't feel the Christmas spirit this year. The days have become routine, monotonous, and depressing. I don't want to leave my bed, let alone my room. My dreams have become better than my reality.
These days I spend my time helping out with my mom's daycare service, even though I can't stand the kids she watches (my brothers are the exception there). I do it to get out of my room, and out of bed. Even though I don't like it, forcing myself to get up at nine every morning makes me feel more alive and takes my mind off of all of the shit that I try to avoid each and every day. During the free time I have (2pm to 6pm weekdays) I sleep. If I have anything important to do then I leave it for the time after my shift at FedEx. I shower, take care of my pets (feed the snakes, treat fish with fin rot, give the cat his medicine), and finally I eat and then try to sleep. On the weekends I sleep, sleep, and sleep some more.
Why do I waste so much time doing these things that, ultimately, take me no where? I should be spending my time making friends, falling in love, hanging out with old friends, and spending time with family. I should be having fun. Unfortunately, I've started to forget what fun is. I'm trying to remember. I know that the memories of fun are locked away in my head somewhere and if I can just remember how to do it then my life will be so much better. When you feel like your life sucks it's not easy to try to have fun, but you have to try anyways. Living in misery will only kill you. Even if you have to force the happiness, trying to be happy or seem happy can actually help you be happy.
Have fun. Do things you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy then try something new. If you used to enjoy something, try it again. I picked up crocheting again after years of not doing it, and now I use it as a wonderful form of meditation. I've been trying to write again, after depression and anxiety made it a stressful practice. I've even started reading again after struggling with it after starting college. There's more to life than just the daily grind. There are good experiences to have, and bad ones. Sometimes things suck, but if we let that rule our lives then it's not really living. Life is about the good and the bad. It's about persevering and fighting and making the best of things. If you let fear drag you down until you hide away from the world you're going to realize one day that you've missed out on a lot of time. Time passes by quickly these days. Years come and go before you even have a chance to blink.
Don't miss out on life. There are so many good things out there. Bad things might happen, but if you know where to look and try to make the best of things, the good can outweigh the bad, no matter how hopeless things seem.
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