This feeling's getting stronger...

"Take my breath away
Now I'm trying to get up
I'm trying to retrace
My steps back
To where ever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up"

Those particular lyrics are from "Is Forever Enough" by Hawk Nelson. I felt they were appropriate considering what I am about to talk about. I don't know why I'm about to talk about it. I have to hope that no one I know really considers this seriously or I could be in a lot of trouble.

Have you ever liked being around someone so much that it's like they're a drug your addicted to? I've had the feeling a lot of times before, especially with friends. That was really because, years ago, I began to rely on my friends to keep me from becoming too depressed. While I haven't been diagnosed, I am pretty sure that I have a mild form of clinical depression. Coupled with a difficult and often depressing life, it makes things tough. But when I'm with my friends I'm happier, and because of that I have had friends act as a sort of drug. Getting addicted to them sounds odd, but it's happened, and I know it's happened for other people too. However, it can also get dangerous. For me, I offended my family by choosing friends first, and in the end I even lost a friend.

Last year I was pretty depressed. I lost a good friend because of that. But I gained a good one too. If I hadn't lost a roommate, and after that a friend, then I doubt that I would have grown as close to my new friend as I did. I didn't recognize it last year, but I had grown to rely on her. And then, when school ended in May, I saw her only twice throughout the whole summer. I missed her. A lot. She did so much for me, and I felt that I owed her so much. I wanted to see her more.

Do I sound like a stalker yet? Haha.

Anyways, when I finally got to see her again this year, we started to spend a lot of time together. With the exception of classes, work, and meetings, we spend quite a lot of our time together. Of course, there are days when she studies with someone else and there are days when I hang out with other friends. But the majority of our time is spent in each others' presence. 

Well, the last few weeks I've noticed something different from previous relationships. I have an extremely deep attachment to her. When she isn't with me, I'm down or distressed. When she is going to go somewhere without me I get moody. I'm highly protective of her. If something upsets her, I am upset. If something makes her happy, I am happy. Of course, I'm not so emotionally attached that I don't feel my own emotions. I have my own turmoils and my own happy times. And other people have effects on me too. In fact, it's not unusual for me to want to protect my friends. I am just more protective of her than others.

I don't know what to call the feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I have feelings for her. But that would be strange, considering the way I think and the way I view other girls. In all reality, while the majority of my friends are girls, I don't trust them. I've seen girls with mood swings far too often to want to fall in love with one. It especially annoys me when they use PMSing as an excuse for bad attitudes, rude behavior, and fights. I would never use that as an excuse, even if it does have an effect on me. Because, no matter what, you are the one who decides how you will behave.

So, yes. Sometimes I wonder if I have a "crush" on my best friend. It's creepy for me. It's strange. And I will honestly say that I still prefer guys to her (there's actually a bet going around on which guy I'm going to marry). I would never consider being in a relationship with her. It wouldn't work. It certainly doesn't help that our religion and family gets in the way. But my feelings aren't deep enough to consider anything like that.

Another possible explanation for the way I feel - especially the protectiveness - is that it's more of a motherly feeling. And that's entirely possible. I get overly protective and overly worrisome at times, much as a mother might. At this point, I'm leaning towards that feeling, as the other feeling doesn't seem like it fits the situation just right.

Ah! I don't know what to think, really. I just want to be her friend. I want her to be happy and I want her to be safe. There's nothing wrong with that...right?

Applause, applause. No! Wait, wait.

Why me? Why does everything go wrong for me and not someone else? There's always something wrong, something that makes life stressful and difficult and tiring and makes it so hard to keep up that happy face that I like to have on. Why do these things have to happen to me?

I'm sick. I know that now. I've been fighting a sore throat all day. Why now? Why the week before midterms? Why just a little more than a week before I get to go home for fall break and relax for a little while?

And then there's my mouth. Why did the "bump" have to come back? Surgery was supposed to solve that problem! I went through all of the mental preparations to have a needle stuck in me and a section of my lip removed, only for it to fail. And now I am facing the fact that it will have to happen again. Why me?

I'm so tired. Being sick does not help. I can't sooth the burning itch in my throat. I can't ease the pain in my mouth. And, in the meantime, I have to read and read and read and read until I can't read anymore. And it's all so redundant and monotonous. I don't know how much longer I can keep all of this reading up before it will kill me. Or at least make me go blind. And I don't event think I'm retaining as much of it as a should.

I just wanted life to be good this semester, but already it is stressful. I cry more than I did when I was at home this summer. I want to cry now. I just want this year to be done and over with. I want school to be done and over with. I want to get away from all of the shit that follows me around here.

I want to be free.

I don't need to be the hero tonight.

"This is my new dawn

My yesterdays have come and gone

Walked in the dark too long

This is my new, this is my new dawn"

As I sit here, waiting for my friend to text me to say where we are going for dinner (either the cafeteria - called the Rot - or the school's cafe), I am downloading music via a youtube video converter (limewire does not function on the school's network). I was listening to one of the songs I chose to download - I'm looking for Christian worship music so I have something to listen to at my friend's house over break (her parents are more strict than mine and I don't want to be offensive) - and one of the lines stood out to me, since it went along with something I had been thinking about earlier. The rest of the song is completely irrelevant, but this line just stood out.

I don't need to be the hero tonight.

My problem? I'm always trying to be the hero. It's like I have to protect everyone who comes into my life, no matter what cost that might mean for me. In fact, wanting to protect everyone, despite the fact that I clearly could not, was the reason why I spiraled downhill so far last year - why I ended up needed help instead of giving it. The thing is, sometimes you just can't help everyone, even if you would want to - especially if they live over 600 miles away.

But I need someone to take care of. If I don't have that, I feel lost, out of place, and essentially useless. I have to help people. It's in my mindset - a part of my personality. But that doesn't mean I always have to be the hero.

The moral of the story? Don't sacrifice yourself for the rest of the world. That doesn't mean that you should be selfish and ignore the needs of others. It means that you should recognize the fact that you have needs too and, just as with everyone else, those needs are important. And if you aren't taking good care of yourself, how can you take care of others? Jesus Christ did say to remove the plank in your own eye before removing the speck of sawdust from your bother's eye.

And there's my philosophical moment of the day. I hope you enjoyed it.

Searching? Searching for what?

"It's just another war

Just another family torn

Just a step from the edge

Just another day in the world we live"

-"Hero" by Skillet

I'm going to be starting some of my posts, or maybe all of them, with some quote from some song or another. Today's happens to be from the song that I used for the theme and name of this very blog. I like Skillet, by the way. That's very important to know. What for, I'm not sure, but it is!

You might notice that the title of this blog has something to do with my second post about an event called "Search." That is no coincidence. I made a decision that I had no made when I had originally posted that.

You see, I have been very temperamental lately, and because of that I had suddenly become very adamant against Search. Well, today I changed my mind. Without telling anyone, I asked for a scholarship to go on Search and I signed up. It was exciting.

Of course, I am not guaranteed a spot on Search. I am on a waiting list. But if I don't get to go this time, I will get to go for sure next time. That's just my fault for waiting so long to decide I wanted to apply.

In the meantime, my phone is broken and I am desperately waiting for fall break so that I can see about getting a new one. If I do not get a new one, then my friend has offered to let me use an old one of hers that still works until I can get a new one. But either way I have to wait for fall break.

I am also crocheting a baby blanket for my godchild. It is two shades of blue and also white. I'm exciting and, while we are sitting here and watching Pride and Prejudice (one of my favorite movies) I am going to start. So, I bid you all adieu.

Crocheting and happy times.

Have you ever had one of those friends that manages to make every moment awkward or hilarious in some way?

If you don't or you haven't, then you're missing out on a lot of good laughs and fun times. I happen to have one right now, and she's probably the only reason I'm still going to this school (or she was at one point). She's amazing, plain and simple, and she makes my life happier.

Last night we were watching the animated movie Quest for Camelot. The storyline is basic. Excalibur, King Aurthur's sword, is stolen, and the man who stole it takes a girl and her mother hostage so that he can use them to get into Camelot. However, the girl escapes and is instructed by her mother to go to Camelot to warn the king. Rather than do that, the girl goes into the Forbidden Forest, where the sword that was stolen has been lost. There, she finds a blind hermit who saves her life. They travel together to find the sword along with a two-headed dragon and a Falcon. Together they save Camelot and everyone lives happily ever after.

Well, the girl falls in love with the blind hermit and they get knighted together (not married, knighted - no marriage in this movie, though it looks like it). At the end of the movie they kiss. Well, of course, my friend has to mention the fact that, because the guy is blind, it would have been hilarious if he had missed when he had gone to kiss her. And, of course, that train of thought led us to something less appropriate and more awkward than kissing.

Basically, she finds it funny to imagine how their marriage night/honeymoon would go since the guy is blind and can't see what he was doing. It would be funny enough if he missed her mouth while kissing, but what if he missed while doing other things...

Enough said. So, yes. We were watching a good animated movie (one of my favorites) and she managed to turn the ending into something completely hilarious. I am pretty sure our laughter was very loud and very distracting for my roommate, who was studying at the time.

In the meantime, this morning I began to look for a pattern that I can use to crochet a blanket for my friend, who is having a baby boy in January (I'm to be the godmother!). I will have a lot of fun making it, but picking a pattern and the colors to go with it is painful.

And that is what I spend my life doing, haha. Isn't it exciting?

To search or not to search?

That is the question. Of course, that would make one wonder "search for what?"

'Search' is a retreat at my school. I can't really tell you more than that because I don't know much more. It has some spiritual stuff in it. I'm not into that so much, but it doesn't bother me either.

What I can't decide is whether or not I should go.

It sounds nice and all, and a week ago I was thinking about going. Just a few days ago I said I would go on spring Search. But then today, when my friend was trying to hide something about Search from me (she's already gone, and is working crew on the next one and wants me to go) I simply told her that I was never going. I don't know where it came from. I just decided right then and there that I was not going.

 So, we ended up discussing why I didn't want to go (while I was writing my paper) and I told her that I just didn't see why I should go. And why should I? I would be alone, even if she were working crew, and I would feel awkward. I don't do alone and awkward very well.

And then, she made it harder. She told me that she wanted to be my "Charlie" (I think that's the word). Apparently it's a major part of Search. And important, personal-ish part. And I feel so bad because she was trying to plan things so that she could do this for me, and here I am saying I won't go.

What to do, what to do, what to do? I don't want to hurt her, but I'm terrified of going on search. And now it's making me upset.

So, to search or not to search? I suppose I will indeed have to sleep on it and decide later.

6 page papers and skipping class.

It's a beautiful, sunny day outside in Helena, MT. I should be enjoying it and getting my share of warmth before winter overtakes us. I would be doing that. There's just one problem.

I have a 6-8 page paper due on Thursday and I've only written half a page. What a way to spend a sunny day.

In the meantime, I also skipped class.
Why? Because I was paying bills and buying more books for school. I lost track of time and then the next thing I knew I realized that class had started twenty minutes earlier and I decided to skip the rest of it.

Here's to hoping that I manage to finish my paper and that the penalties for skipping class are not high.