This feeling's getting stronger...

"Take my breath away
Now I'm trying to get up
I'm trying to retrace
My steps back
To where ever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on
I know you'll be there whenever I wake up"

Those particular lyrics are from "Is Forever Enough" by Hawk Nelson. I felt they were appropriate considering what I am about to talk about. I don't know why I'm about to talk about it. I have to hope that no one I know really considers this seriously or I could be in a lot of trouble.

Have you ever liked being around someone so much that it's like they're a drug your addicted to? I've had the feeling a lot of times before, especially with friends. That was really because, years ago, I began to rely on my friends to keep me from becoming too depressed. While I haven't been diagnosed, I am pretty sure that I have a mild form of clinical depression. Coupled with a difficult and often depressing life, it makes things tough. But when I'm with my friends I'm happier, and because of that I have had friends act as a sort of drug. Getting addicted to them sounds odd, but it's happened, and I know it's happened for other people too. However, it can also get dangerous. For me, I offended my family by choosing friends first, and in the end I even lost a friend.

Last year I was pretty depressed. I lost a good friend because of that. But I gained a good one too. If I hadn't lost a roommate, and after that a friend, then I doubt that I would have grown as close to my new friend as I did. I didn't recognize it last year, but I had grown to rely on her. And then, when school ended in May, I saw her only twice throughout the whole summer. I missed her. A lot. She did so much for me, and I felt that I owed her so much. I wanted to see her more.

Do I sound like a stalker yet? Haha.

Anyways, when I finally got to see her again this year, we started to spend a lot of time together. With the exception of classes, work, and meetings, we spend quite a lot of our time together. Of course, there are days when she studies with someone else and there are days when I hang out with other friends. But the majority of our time is spent in each others' presence. 

Well, the last few weeks I've noticed something different from previous relationships. I have an extremely deep attachment to her. When she isn't with me, I'm down or distressed. When she is going to go somewhere without me I get moody. I'm highly protective of her. If something upsets her, I am upset. If something makes her happy, I am happy. Of course, I'm not so emotionally attached that I don't feel my own emotions. I have my own turmoils and my own happy times. And other people have effects on me too. In fact, it's not unusual for me to want to protect my friends. I am just more protective of her than others.

I don't know what to call the feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I have feelings for her. But that would be strange, considering the way I think and the way I view other girls. In all reality, while the majority of my friends are girls, I don't trust them. I've seen girls with mood swings far too often to want to fall in love with one. It especially annoys me when they use PMSing as an excuse for bad attitudes, rude behavior, and fights. I would never use that as an excuse, even if it does have an effect on me. Because, no matter what, you are the one who decides how you will behave.

So, yes. Sometimes I wonder if I have a "crush" on my best friend. It's creepy for me. It's strange. And I will honestly say that I still prefer guys to her (there's actually a bet going around on which guy I'm going to marry). I would never consider being in a relationship with her. It wouldn't work. It certainly doesn't help that our religion and family gets in the way. But my feelings aren't deep enough to consider anything like that.

Another possible explanation for the way I feel - especially the protectiveness - is that it's more of a motherly feeling. And that's entirely possible. I get overly protective and overly worrisome at times, much as a mother might. At this point, I'm leaning towards that feeling, as the other feeling doesn't seem like it fits the situation just right.

Ah! I don't know what to think, really. I just want to be her friend. I want her to be happy and I want her to be safe. There's nothing wrong with that...right?

Applause, applause. No! Wait, wait.

Why me? Why does everything go wrong for me and not someone else? There's always something wrong, something that makes life stressful and difficult and tiring and makes it so hard to keep up that happy face that I like to have on. Why do these things have to happen to me?

I'm sick. I know that now. I've been fighting a sore throat all day. Why now? Why the week before midterms? Why just a little more than a week before I get to go home for fall break and relax for a little while?

And then there's my mouth. Why did the "bump" have to come back? Surgery was supposed to solve that problem! I went through all of the mental preparations to have a needle stuck in me and a section of my lip removed, only for it to fail. And now I am facing the fact that it will have to happen again. Why me?

I'm so tired. Being sick does not help. I can't sooth the burning itch in my throat. I can't ease the pain in my mouth. And, in the meantime, I have to read and read and read and read until I can't read anymore. And it's all so redundant and monotonous. I don't know how much longer I can keep all of this reading up before it will kill me. Or at least make me go blind. And I don't event think I'm retaining as much of it as a should.

I just wanted life to be good this semester, but already it is stressful. I cry more than I did when I was at home this summer. I want to cry now. I just want this year to be done and over with. I want school to be done and over with. I want to get away from all of the shit that follows me around here.

I want to be free.

I don't need to be the hero tonight.

"This is my new dawn

My yesterdays have come and gone

Walked in the dark too long

This is my new, this is my new dawn"

As I sit here, waiting for my friend to text me to say where we are going for dinner (either the cafeteria - called the Rot - or the school's cafe), I am downloading music via a youtube video converter (limewire does not function on the school's network). I was listening to one of the songs I chose to download - I'm looking for Christian worship music so I have something to listen to at my friend's house over break (her parents are more strict than mine and I don't want to be offensive) - and one of the lines stood out to me, since it went along with something I had been thinking about earlier. The rest of the song is completely irrelevant, but this line just stood out.

I don't need to be the hero tonight.

My problem? I'm always trying to be the hero. It's like I have to protect everyone who comes into my life, no matter what cost that might mean for me. In fact, wanting to protect everyone, despite the fact that I clearly could not, was the reason why I spiraled downhill so far last year - why I ended up needed help instead of giving it. The thing is, sometimes you just can't help everyone, even if you would want to - especially if they live over 600 miles away.

But I need someone to take care of. If I don't have that, I feel lost, out of place, and essentially useless. I have to help people. It's in my mindset - a part of my personality. But that doesn't mean I always have to be the hero.

The moral of the story? Don't sacrifice yourself for the rest of the world. That doesn't mean that you should be selfish and ignore the needs of others. It means that you should recognize the fact that you have needs too and, just as with everyone else, those needs are important. And if you aren't taking good care of yourself, how can you take care of others? Jesus Christ did say to remove the plank in your own eye before removing the speck of sawdust from your bother's eye.

And there's my philosophical moment of the day. I hope you enjoyed it.