About a year ago a friend asked me if I considered him loyal. He and I were not close friends. I knew him through my boyfriend at the time and had started giving him rides to work after he crashed his scooter on the way home one night. This guy was very intelligent and extremely cocky. He also lacked an understanding of social boundaries. That doesn't really play much into whether or not I thought he was loyal, but his cockiness made me dislike him quite a bit. Because of that, I wasn't able to give him an answer (he then proceeded to list the people he thought were loyal and why he thought he was loyal).
I explained to him that I didn't know him well enough to be able to give him an answer at the time. The conversation opened up a chain of thoughts that I meditated on for the next day or so, the main focus of which was "What is loyalty to me?"
A year before that conversation I had escaped a bad situation that I had been stuck in for several years. During and after my escape I lost, solidified, and found friendships. I was forced to look at the qualities of the friends that I had, and during the time the subject of loyalty had come up in my mind more than once. There were some friends that I was completely loyal to, but I wasn't sure that I was receiving the same in return. This was especially true in my last two weeks there, when a friend went behind my back and decided not to travel with me, which meant I had to come up with the extra money she promised me in gas on very short notice. It opened my eyes to how important I was to her and how misplaced my loyalty and my love was.
The definition of loyalty is "faithfulness to commitments or obligations." When it comes to being loyal to a friend it's hardly an obligation. It's a choice. It is the word "faithfulness" that stands out in that definition. Faithfulness means "steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant." This is the most important quality of loyalty in terms of friendship. It means loving and supporting a friend as much as you can.
I believe that it's important to look for good, close friends that are going to be loyal to you. Of course, not every friend is going to be loyal. Everyone is closer to some friends than others. I don't expect my work friends to be loyal, but I do expect my closest friends to be. It's also important to be loyal to the friends that you expect loyalty from. Treat others the way that you would want to be treated.
I view loyalty and friendship a bit like a knight swearing fealty to a lord or king. Suppose that you are a knight in a realm where several different lords are vying to become the next king. You must choose one lord to remain loyal to. Several different lords approach you, offering a variety of perks for your services. Would you choose the first pretty offer that came along without looking at the character of the lord? I would hope not. A lord could offer you all of the riches in the world, but he could treat his knights poorly, taking advantage of them and working them too hard. Is that the lord that you would swear fealty to? Instead, look at the way the lord treats his men. Is he respectful? Does he fulfill his duties to his men? Is he loyal to their agreements? If the answer to those question is yes, then perhaps he is worth giving your loyalty to.
Of course, loyalty and friendship don't have to be permanent and there's no swearing involved. You're free to give and take your loyalty as you please, at the risk of losing the trust of people you care about. The point is, don't give your loyalty to anyone who comes into your life. Save it for the people who treat you right; the people who deserve it.
The friend who asked me if I thought he was loyal ended up taking advantage of the fact that I had a car. He tricked me out of gas money by giving me food (working at FedEx makes you very, very hungry). Because he was so full of himself, I wasn't sure how to approach him about that. Finally, I got frustrated and refused to wait in the parking lot for him one night. The friendship collapsed, ending when he lashed out and claimed that I was a bad friend who wasn't very loyal. My response? Loyalty is a thing earned, and he had never earned it from me. Too many times he had agreed to give me gas money and then failed to do so. Too many times he had overstepped social boundaries and made me angry. I had no reason to be loyal to him, and I didn't see him as a loyal person either.
That friend of mine is an example of why you should not swear fealty to the first lord who comes along with a tempting offer.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Accepting less than we deserve.
When it comes to love I tend to believe that you don't necessarily deserve any specific type of person. You don't deserve someone amazing just because you're a good person who does good things, and you don't deserve someone less than amazing because you have a hard life or get into trouble a lot. Just because people think I'm intelligent, loyal, or kind doesn't mean that I deserve to be with a saint. Love is about who you want to be with, not what you deserve. It's about who makes you happy and who you choose to love. If you deserve anything, it's to be with the person you love.
While I still hold quite firmly to that belief, I have come to realize that there are things that people do deserve when it comes to a significant other.
Every girl and every boy, every man and every woman, no matter who they are, what they've been through, or where they are in their life, deserves to be respected, especially by a significant other. You deserve to be happy, to be with the one that you love, but you also deserve to be with someone who respects who you are and how you feel. Respect is important in any relationship.
I spent a year and a half with a boy whom I loved very much. I say boy for a reason, even though he recently turned twenty-one. There was more than one time when he tried to break up with me. His excuses were that I deserved better than him, or I should try to date other people. I didn't believe either of those things. I fought to keep us together because I loved him more than I had ever loved before. I didn't care that we fought all the time. I didn't mind his pig-headed tenacity that caused so many of the fights. I was more than willing to put up with his childish comments and persistent offensive behavior because I loved him. Ultimately, my love for him was all that mattered to me. When he told me that I deserved better than him I disagreed because I believed that I deserved to have the person that I was in love with.
I failed to realize then that I wasn't receiving the respect that I deserved from him. Every time we fought he ended up making empty promises to change. He promised to stop brushing off my complaints - that he was ignoring me, that he wasn't taking me seriously, that he was talking rudely to me - as if they were jokes. He promised to stop swearing at me as much. He promised to stop smacking my butt and grabbing my breasts constantly, though especially in public. In the end, he broke every single one of those promises, and more. In the end, he tossed me to the curb and refused to speak to me, as if all of our problems were my fault. When he ended things I begged him for two weeks to take me back, without even so much as a "no" from him. He ignored every message, every plea. I loved him more than anything or anyone, and he had said that he loved me the same. Then suddenly he turned his back on me. I was lost, confused, and hurt.
At first I thought that I might wait for him to change his mind and come back. Then, when he continued to ignore me (at this point I was trying to get his Sprint account and pin number so I could switch my phone off his plan), I realized that I really did deserve better. Yeah, I loved the guy more than anything in the world. I would have gone to hell and back for him. But I realized that, no matter how much I loved him, he wasn't worth my time anymore. Maybe I did deserve to be with the one I loved, but I did not deserve to be tossed to the curb while he was still claiming that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I didn't deserve to be completely ignored by the person I loved so much. Love isn't always worth that kind of pain.
I made a big decision in the third week after he ended things. I decided that I deserved a man, not a boy. I deserved someone who could handle relationship problems maturely and who respected me and my feelings. My ex had stopped showing me respect months before he broke things off. I should have ended things then and there, but I was caught up in wanting something that was less than what I deserved. In a sense, I was settling for the first thing that came along that seemed to satisfy my need to love someone.
The last message (apart from the ones when I was trying to get those damn account numbers!) I sent to him was this: "You were right. I do deserve better. I deserve someone who respects me." After I switched my phone back to my parents' plan I removed his number, deleted him from Facebook, and removed any remaining message threads I had from him. I still think about him every day, and he will always have a place in my heart. But if I had to choose between him and being alone for the rest of eternity, I would choose to be alone. I know that I deserve something better than him, no matter how much I love him.
It's not just about who you love. It's about who loves you enough to treat you with the respect that you deserve.
While I still hold quite firmly to that belief, I have come to realize that there are things that people do deserve when it comes to a significant other.
Every girl and every boy, every man and every woman, no matter who they are, what they've been through, or where they are in their life, deserves to be respected, especially by a significant other. You deserve to be happy, to be with the one that you love, but you also deserve to be with someone who respects who you are and how you feel. Respect is important in any relationship.
I spent a year and a half with a boy whom I loved very much. I say boy for a reason, even though he recently turned twenty-one. There was more than one time when he tried to break up with me. His excuses were that I deserved better than him, or I should try to date other people. I didn't believe either of those things. I fought to keep us together because I loved him more than I had ever loved before. I didn't care that we fought all the time. I didn't mind his pig-headed tenacity that caused so many of the fights. I was more than willing to put up with his childish comments and persistent offensive behavior because I loved him. Ultimately, my love for him was all that mattered to me. When he told me that I deserved better than him I disagreed because I believed that I deserved to have the person that I was in love with.
I failed to realize then that I wasn't receiving the respect that I deserved from him. Every time we fought he ended up making empty promises to change. He promised to stop brushing off my complaints - that he was ignoring me, that he wasn't taking me seriously, that he was talking rudely to me - as if they were jokes. He promised to stop swearing at me as much. He promised to stop smacking my butt and grabbing my breasts constantly, though especially in public. In the end, he broke every single one of those promises, and more. In the end, he tossed me to the curb and refused to speak to me, as if all of our problems were my fault. When he ended things I begged him for two weeks to take me back, without even so much as a "no" from him. He ignored every message, every plea. I loved him more than anything or anyone, and he had said that he loved me the same. Then suddenly he turned his back on me. I was lost, confused, and hurt.
At first I thought that I might wait for him to change his mind and come back. Then, when he continued to ignore me (at this point I was trying to get his Sprint account and pin number so I could switch my phone off his plan), I realized that I really did deserve better. Yeah, I loved the guy more than anything in the world. I would have gone to hell and back for him. But I realized that, no matter how much I loved him, he wasn't worth my time anymore. Maybe I did deserve to be with the one I loved, but I did not deserve to be tossed to the curb while he was still claiming that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I didn't deserve to be completely ignored by the person I loved so much. Love isn't always worth that kind of pain.
I made a big decision in the third week after he ended things. I decided that I deserved a man, not a boy. I deserved someone who could handle relationship problems maturely and who respected me and my feelings. My ex had stopped showing me respect months before he broke things off. I should have ended things then and there, but I was caught up in wanting something that was less than what I deserved. In a sense, I was settling for the first thing that came along that seemed to satisfy my need to love someone.
The last message (apart from the ones when I was trying to get those damn account numbers!) I sent to him was this: "You were right. I do deserve better. I deserve someone who respects me." After I switched my phone back to my parents' plan I removed his number, deleted him from Facebook, and removed any remaining message threads I had from him. I still think about him every day, and he will always have a place in my heart. But if I had to choose between him and being alone for the rest of eternity, I would choose to be alone. I know that I deserve something better than him, no matter how much I love him.
It's not just about who you love. It's about who loves you enough to treat you with the respect that you deserve.
I've been losing so much time...
Well, it has been a long time. Almost two years, in fact. Isn't it amazing how quickly time passes these days? It's been two years since I escaped hell on earth, only to end up in another version of hell. I've been in love, and fallen out of it. I've lost, gained, and mended friendships. I've spent countless days longing for things I can never have. I've worked myself to the bone for every penny I've made. I've changed a lot in the short two years that I've been home. And, in all of that, I realize that two years is a lot of time, no matter how quickly it seems to pass.
When there isn't much going on in life the days start to blur together. Here and there specific events stand out, giving you an idea of how much time has passed. January, February, and March all pass by in a blur, but then March 22nd you start a new job and suddenly the days start to stand out a little more, until the job isn't as new any more. Then April 27th rolls around and you've fallen in love and established a relationship. Eventually that becomes part of every day and things blend together again. There's a birthday here, a holiday there. Your boyfriend is kicked out of his house, so he moves in with your family. Then that becomes normal. Christmas, and then your boyfriend moves out and things change again. April rolls around and you have a stressful anniversary. The next thing you know, summer is gone, Halloween is coming up, and you're suddenly single. That becomes normal eventually too. And then, sitting down and thinking, you realize that two years have passed and Christmas is coming again. Where was Thanksgiving in all of that?
That's what my life looks like. There are long periods of time when nothing happens and I barely realize how much time has passed, until something happens to wake me up. Now Christmas is coming and I'm just not ready for it. I don't feel the Christmas spirit this year. The days have become routine, monotonous, and depressing. I don't want to leave my bed, let alone my room. My dreams have become better than my reality.
These days I spend my time helping out with my mom's daycare service, even though I can't stand the kids she watches (my brothers are the exception there). I do it to get out of my room, and out of bed. Even though I don't like it, forcing myself to get up at nine every morning makes me feel more alive and takes my mind off of all of the shit that I try to avoid each and every day. During the free time I have (2pm to 6pm weekdays) I sleep. If I have anything important to do then I leave it for the time after my shift at FedEx. I shower, take care of my pets (feed the snakes, treat fish with fin rot, give the cat his medicine), and finally I eat and then try to sleep. On the weekends I sleep, sleep, and sleep some more.
Why do I waste so much time doing these things that, ultimately, take me no where? I should be spending my time making friends, falling in love, hanging out with old friends, and spending time with family. I should be having fun. Unfortunately, I've started to forget what fun is. I'm trying to remember. I know that the memories of fun are locked away in my head somewhere and if I can just remember how to do it then my life will be so much better. When you feel like your life sucks it's not easy to try to have fun, but you have to try anyways. Living in misery will only kill you. Even if you have to force the happiness, trying to be happy or seem happy can actually help you be happy.
Have fun. Do things you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy then try something new. If you used to enjoy something, try it again. I picked up crocheting again after years of not doing it, and now I use it as a wonderful form of meditation. I've been trying to write again, after depression and anxiety made it a stressful practice. I've even started reading again after struggling with it after starting college. There's more to life than just the daily grind. There are good experiences to have, and bad ones. Sometimes things suck, but if we let that rule our lives then it's not really living. Life is about the good and the bad. It's about persevering and fighting and making the best of things. If you let fear drag you down until you hide away from the world you're going to realize one day that you've missed out on a lot of time. Time passes by quickly these days. Years come and go before you even have a chance to blink.
Don't miss out on life. There are so many good things out there. Bad things might happen, but if you know where to look and try to make the best of things, the good can outweigh the bad, no matter how hopeless things seem.
When there isn't much going on in life the days start to blur together. Here and there specific events stand out, giving you an idea of how much time has passed. January, February, and March all pass by in a blur, but then March 22nd you start a new job and suddenly the days start to stand out a little more, until the job isn't as new any more. Then April 27th rolls around and you've fallen in love and established a relationship. Eventually that becomes part of every day and things blend together again. There's a birthday here, a holiday there. Your boyfriend is kicked out of his house, so he moves in with your family. Then that becomes normal. Christmas, and then your boyfriend moves out and things change again. April rolls around and you have a stressful anniversary. The next thing you know, summer is gone, Halloween is coming up, and you're suddenly single. That becomes normal eventually too. And then, sitting down and thinking, you realize that two years have passed and Christmas is coming again. Where was Thanksgiving in all of that?
That's what my life looks like. There are long periods of time when nothing happens and I barely realize how much time has passed, until something happens to wake me up. Now Christmas is coming and I'm just not ready for it. I don't feel the Christmas spirit this year. The days have become routine, monotonous, and depressing. I don't want to leave my bed, let alone my room. My dreams have become better than my reality.
These days I spend my time helping out with my mom's daycare service, even though I can't stand the kids she watches (my brothers are the exception there). I do it to get out of my room, and out of bed. Even though I don't like it, forcing myself to get up at nine every morning makes me feel more alive and takes my mind off of all of the shit that I try to avoid each and every day. During the free time I have (2pm to 6pm weekdays) I sleep. If I have anything important to do then I leave it for the time after my shift at FedEx. I shower, take care of my pets (feed the snakes, treat fish with fin rot, give the cat his medicine), and finally I eat and then try to sleep. On the weekends I sleep, sleep, and sleep some more.
Why do I waste so much time doing these things that, ultimately, take me no where? I should be spending my time making friends, falling in love, hanging out with old friends, and spending time with family. I should be having fun. Unfortunately, I've started to forget what fun is. I'm trying to remember. I know that the memories of fun are locked away in my head somewhere and if I can just remember how to do it then my life will be so much better. When you feel like your life sucks it's not easy to try to have fun, but you have to try anyways. Living in misery will only kill you. Even if you have to force the happiness, trying to be happy or seem happy can actually help you be happy.
Have fun. Do things you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy then try something new. If you used to enjoy something, try it again. I picked up crocheting again after years of not doing it, and now I use it as a wonderful form of meditation. I've been trying to write again, after depression and anxiety made it a stressful practice. I've even started reading again after struggling with it after starting college. There's more to life than just the daily grind. There are good experiences to have, and bad ones. Sometimes things suck, but if we let that rule our lives then it's not really living. Life is about the good and the bad. It's about persevering and fighting and making the best of things. If you let fear drag you down until you hide away from the world you're going to realize one day that you've missed out on a lot of time. Time passes by quickly these days. Years come and go before you even have a chance to blink.
Don't miss out on life. There are so many good things out there. Bad things might happen, but if you know where to look and try to make the best of things, the good can outweigh the bad, no matter how hopeless things seem.
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