This week I made an attempt to leave FedEx and start a career at the US Bank call center in my area. It seemed like a logical change. My body is broken, my pay was shit, and I was generally unhappy with the way things had gone at FedEx. At US Bank I would have been sitting in a chair all day (arguably just as bad for my back), my pay would have been better, and I would have had real opportunities for advancement. And yet, even with so many pros, I was terrified of switching to this new job. I thought perhaps it was my fear of telephones. Email and text are okay, but ask me to talk on a phone and I'll sprint in the other direction like my life depends on it. Obviously that makes willingly working at a call center a rather big decision for myself. Despite all of my fears and misgivings, I wanted to push forward and at least try.
For a little background information, I suffer from depression and anxiety. A lot of people don't see it right away or shrug it off like it's something everyone has these days. It's not like that. Depression and anxiety are serious disorders, both of which have led me to attempts to take my own life, along with other damaging behaviors. If I don't have those two troublemakers under control then the rest of my life starts to fall apart too. Some of you who have known me for a long time will know that I have made some difficult decisions in the past with seemingly little difficulty. When I was sixteen I chose to transfer from my little private school to the big public school in the area. I hid the stress well and I adapted. Most people did not know that I had a depression and anxiety disorder back then. I had known since high school, if not sooner, that something was there, eating away at me. I fought it and hid it from everyone as best as a could. Maybe some of you remember me being the quiet, reserved one at school.
Immediately after high school I chose to travel over six hundred miles away to college. For whatever reason that decision felt right, though I can't explain the feeling well, and all I really suffered from was the typical social anxiety and the nervousness from being away from home. But I handled it all really well at first. When things didn't go well with my first roommate I began to fall apart. That was when the dark cloud of depression - and it's friend, anxiety - really began to loom it's head over me. I barely made it through my first two years alive, but I came back to my third year feeling stronger after undergoing some treatment. Unfortunately, having a roommate that decides to confide in you that she has a date set for her own suicide does not help with your own mental problems and I completely shattered again. My roommates all turned against me, even though some where close friends. I was hurt more than I care to explain or remember now. I made the decision to leave that school and come home halfway through the year.
I would like to note that I have some wonderful friends left over from college and I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything. I love them all. But I lost a lot in school, and I've found that I'm afraid of losing people I care about. That made leaving FedEx especially hard.
I made the decision to leave college very easily. It was a decision made out of desperation. I knew that if I stayed in Montana then I would most likely wasn't going to make it past my twenty-first birthday. So I left; escaped, so to speak. I knew it was the right decision. Once home I looked for employment, and when I found FedEx through a member of my church it felt right somehow, as if I knew that I would find a place to fit in there. So I made yet another big decision and began my employment with FedEx. I wasn't afraid, only a little nervous.
In all those decisions I did not doubt that it was the right one. My anxiety was under control. I felt like I was somewhat normal for once. I was still recovering from what happened in Montana, but I was starting to live again. I met my first boyfriend and fell in love for the first time. I had my heart broken and nearly lost control before I pulled myself out of a downward spiral. All this time I did everything I could to keep my anxiety in check. I survived.
When I stop taking my medication bad things happen. Every once in a while a prescription is late or there's an error of some kind. Most recently I was simply too tired to get up early before work and go get the prescriptions. That happens with depression sometimes. So we decided to switch to a twenty-four hour pharmacy where I could get my meds after work. But the transfer didn't appear to go through on two separate occasions and I ran out of meds. I started to lose it. I was nervous, my heart was racing, and I wanted to sleep all of the time. It was right at this time that I had to decide whether or not I wanted a new job at US Bank.
I wasn't sure about it from the start. I knew that it was a great opportunity, but I hesitated. I finally took it because I knew that it would be good for both me and my fiance and, hey, you never know until you try, right? Once I accepted the job and went through the steps to fill out paperwork and get verified I though I would feel a little better, but the anxious feelings about the job continued. It didn't feel right for whatever reason, but I knew I had to give it a try. I told myself I had no choice because it had worked for other major decisions I had made. I hate to quit something once I've gotten involved.
The Saturday before I started I had to go to an emergency dental appointment. I found out that there was a cavity beneath an old filling that had gotten worse. I needed a root canal. I had some pretty bad experiences with dentists as a kid and I have a deep-rooted fear of people who want to stick their hands in peoples' mouths for a living. I also lack enamel on some teeth, most likely due to antibiotics and other things I was given after I was born. I was lucky to survive birth, in some ways. So a root canal was suddenly the most terrifying, anxiety-inducing thing on earth. That coupled with starting a new job and I turned into a train wreck. It didn't help that I could see it all wearing on my fiance, which distressed me that much more. I hated knowing that I was the one hurting him in a way.
I went to the first day of training, trying to control the pain in my tooth with ibuprofen at regular intervals. That might have worked if it hadn't been turning into a migraine at the same time and causing me to constantly feel like I had to vomit. By the second day I knew I needed the pain pills to be able to function, but I can't drive on hydrocodone. I can't stay awake, either, it turns out. I informed my managers at US Bank what my situation was and that I was already missing Wednesday for the root canal. I ended up missing the second and third days of training. I was so far behind that they were going to have to struggle to catch me up. On top of that, Thursday morning I was disorganized and exhausted, though the pain was gone and I could function. I left my social security card at home, which they needed that day, and in order for me to continue working there I had to go get it immediately and bring it back. I was so tired and so lost that I decided that I was not ready to take the new job.
I flat out told them that all of this disorganization was not like me and that I was exhausted and stressed about the issues with my tooth, which still require three more dentist appointments. I wasn't ready to start a new job, even though I had been less than a week before. They were very polite, even though I was barely holding in the tears, and told me that I would be welcome back if I ever chose to reapply in the future. I have no hard feelings against US Bank. It seemed like a nice place and perhaps I will return one day to try again.
The majority of my friends and family have been there for me through this. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for their help and support. I couldn't do it without them. I hate feeling like I failed. Even though I know this isn't failure my disorders trick me into thinking that it is, just as they trick me into thinking that I am worthless, fat, or pathetic on other days. Every single day is a new battle in a war that I hope I will win someday, even if that day is seventy years from now. What I do know is that choosing to leave US Bank behind for the time being has lifted a weight off of my shoulders. I don't feel that it was wrong of me to decide that I needed to focus on my physical and mental health before starting a new job. Some people might be frustrated with me or angry at me. But I know that the people who really care about me are here for me.
Sometimes one door closes so another one can open. I hope that I manage to find the right door this time.
