Selfishness

Each year Christmas comes and I wonder how my family manages to pull it off. We are one of the most dysfunctional families I know - and I know that we're far from the most dysfunctional. Seriously, though, every year it feels like I am spending Christmas with a group of high school students or college freshman. How one family can manage to create so much drama, I may never know. Last year someone didn't get exactly what they wanted or got less than someone else, so of course the first reaction is to throw a fit, cry, and stomp out of the house. And I'm not talking about kids here. I'm talking about a twenty-two year old married woman. The last time I was upset because I didn't get the exact same as someone else in the house, I was in elementary school.

Somehow we managed to pull this Christmas off with minimal drama. If anyone got less than anybody else, it was me, and I sure as hell didn't give a shit. I was happy with every gift I got, from Starbucks gift card to my very first scarf. What several of the people in my family fail to realize is that it's not about how much you get. It's about being thankful that you have loved ones who care about you. It's about being a family. It's about loving one another.

Christmas is a holiday where it becomes clear which half of the family is materialistic and which half is all about loving each other. We're a blended family. There's my mom and her husband. I am my mom's oldest, but her husband has a daughter a year older than me who is married and now has a son. She is my stepsister. My father is out of the picture, and has never been a part of it. I have a half-sister who is five years younger. Her father is not in the picture either. My two half brothers are from my mom and her husband, and they are the sweetest little things on the face of the earth.

My mom's husband was raised in a very materialistic family. In other words, he is never happy with what he has. In his family the parents got everything and it was the kids who went without, and he seems to think that is how the children in this family should be raised. His daughter tends to be materialistic as well, though not to the extreme that her father does. She does get upset if she doesn't get the same amount that my sister and I, who still live at home, get, even though she's married and has her own family now.

My mom was raised differently. Her mother, my grandma, often went without in order to make sure that my mom had everything she needed. My mom, though she went through horrible things as a child, was taught that how much you have is not what matters. She raised my sister and I the same way, and is raising the boys that way now. My sister is a teenager, so she's going through some rebellious stages, but I am happy with what I have, even when I have been wearing the same, beat up pair of sandals for the last several years. I have what I need, and that's all that matters. The boys are that way sometimes, but they have picked up a lot of selfishness from their father. It hurts to see them throwing fits when they can't have the toy they want or the movie that costs too much.

I am happy with the things I have. I have to rely on other people for things I need because of the debt I'm in from a failed attempt at college. I don't have a lot of things that I want or need. What matters is that I am happy. I have two sweet little brothers who look up to me, wonderful best friends, a cute baby nephew, a sister who can be a pain (but I love her!) and a loving mother and grandmother. I have a cat who drives everyone insane even though he's adorable and fluffy. I love him to death. I have my fish and my snails. I have two wonderful garter snakes that trust me, even though they like to sit and glare at me from their tanks. How could I not be thankful for what I have?

I wish that everyone in my family could see things this way. My mom's husband will never change; this I know. We've waited seven years for that to happen, and it hasn't. If anything, it gets worse each year. He wants so many things that he's spending his retirement funds (he's not retired yet) to buy things or take trips that we really can't afford. He spends it all on what he wants, and then he neglects to make sure that everyone in the family has what they need - and needs are greater than wants. There have been times when he won't even let my mom buy clothes for his sons, because he wants the money for something else. If I were in his place, I would go without clothes myself before my sons didn't have the clothes they need.

Greed and ungratefulness doesn't just come in the form of money. My mom's husband is so set in what he wants that he can't do anything for others, whether it's money related or not. He wants so badly to watch television that he will go to the point of ignoring his children when they need him. The littlest one - age three - is potty trained, but needs help getting onto the toilet, making sure he aims correctly, and wiping when necessary. This last week, my mom went to the store one evening for a few minutes to get some things we had run out of. She came home to the little one crying in the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and a mess on the floor. Why? Because he had asked daddy for help, but daddy ignored him and he really had to go so he tried to do it himself. But he couldn't climb onto the toilet. When he couldn't hold it and made the mess he was hysterical because he thought he was in trouble. He was crying very loudly, and had been for  little while when my mom came home. Where was her husband? Still watching television, ignoring the crying that could be heard from the bathroom.

I don't understand how a grown adult, a father, could be so selfish that he would ignore his son who needs help, just because he doesn't want to do it. I can't even bring myself to call him their father. I am more of a father to them than he is, and I'm their sister.

I don't know how normal this is here in the United States, or elsewhere. What I do know is that this is selfishness. Sometimes selfishness can be appropriate, but when it comes to taking care of someone you're responsible for creating? or when it comes to being grateful for the gifts your family generously gave to you? That is when selfishness is wrong. That is when it is not okay. I hope to God that I can show my little brothers how to care for others. I know how they feel. My father is selfish too, going as far as publicly insulting me on Facebook because I didn't give him what he wanted. I want to show people, my brothers especially, that getting what you want isn't important. What is important is that you are loved, you are taken care of, and that you give the same to others.