Well, it has been a long time. Almost two years, in fact. Isn't it amazing how quickly time passes these days? It's been two years since I escaped hell on earth, only to end up in another version of hell. I've been in love, and fallen out of it. I've lost, gained, and mended friendships. I've spent countless days longing for things I can never have. I've worked myself to the bone for every penny I've made. I've changed a lot in the short two years that I've been home. And, in all of that, I realize that two years is a lot of time, no matter how quickly it seems to pass.
When there isn't much going on in life the days start to blur together. Here and there specific events stand out, giving you an idea of how much time has passed. January, February, and March all pass by in a blur, but then March 22nd you start a new job and suddenly the days start to stand out a little more, until the job isn't as new any more. Then April 27th rolls around and you've fallen in love and established a relationship. Eventually that becomes part of every day and things blend together again. There's a birthday here, a holiday there. Your boyfriend is kicked out of his house, so he moves in with your family. Then that becomes normal. Christmas, and then your boyfriend moves out and things change again. April rolls around and you have a stressful anniversary. The next thing you know, summer is gone, Halloween is coming up, and you're suddenly single. That becomes normal eventually too. And then, sitting down and thinking, you realize that two years have passed and Christmas is coming again. Where was Thanksgiving in all of that?
That's what my life looks like. There are long periods of time when nothing happens and I barely realize how much time has passed, until something happens to wake me up. Now Christmas is coming and I'm just not ready for it. I don't feel the Christmas spirit this year. The days have become routine, monotonous, and depressing. I don't want to leave my bed, let alone my room. My dreams have become better than my reality.
These days I spend my time helping out with my mom's daycare service, even though I can't stand the kids she watches (my brothers are the exception there). I do it to get out of my room, and out of bed. Even though I don't like it, forcing myself to get up at nine every morning makes me feel more alive and takes my mind off of all of the shit that I try to avoid each and every day. During the free time I have (2pm to 6pm weekdays) I sleep. If I have anything important to do then I leave it for the time after my shift at FedEx. I shower, take care of my pets (feed the snakes, treat fish with fin rot, give the cat his medicine), and finally I eat and then try to sleep. On the weekends I sleep, sleep, and sleep some more.
Why do I waste so much time doing these things that, ultimately, take me no where? I should be spending my time making friends, falling in love, hanging out with old friends, and spending time with family. I should be having fun. Unfortunately, I've started to forget what fun is. I'm trying to remember. I know that the memories of fun are locked away in my head somewhere and if I can just remember how to do it then my life will be so much better. When you feel like your life sucks it's not easy to try to have fun, but you have to try anyways. Living in misery will only kill you. Even if you have to force the happiness, trying to be happy or seem happy can actually help you be happy.
Have fun. Do things you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy then try something new. If you used to enjoy something, try it again. I picked up crocheting again after years of not doing it, and now I use it as a wonderful form of meditation. I've been trying to write again, after depression and anxiety made it a stressful practice. I've even started reading again after struggling with it after starting college. There's more to life than just the daily grind. There are good experiences to have, and bad ones. Sometimes things suck, but if we let that rule our lives then it's not really living. Life is about the good and the bad. It's about persevering and fighting and making the best of things. If you let fear drag you down until you hide away from the world you're going to realize one day that you've missed out on a lot of time. Time passes by quickly these days. Years come and go before you even have a chance to blink.
Don't miss out on life. There are so many good things out there. Bad things might happen, but if you know where to look and try to make the best of things, the good can outweigh the bad, no matter how hopeless things seem.
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